View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a Surrogate
father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an
hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby Photographer happened to
ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've Been
expecting you."
"Have you really?", said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
the white rabbit
13-05-07, 08:00 PM
So was he really a photographer or did he have a really huge penis?
That was about Beenz. wasnt it? :smt081
A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.
Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on
A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.
Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on
:smt081 :smt081 :smt081 :smt081 :thumright:
wyrdness
14-05-07, 03:01 PM
There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought that babies were coming from God
But it was not the Almighty
That was lifting her nightie
It was Roger the lodger, the sod!
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The "iTit" will be priced at £499 or £599, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them
A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.
Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on
A lorry load of wigs have been stolen from a warehouse.
Police are combing the area for clues...oh the old'uns are the best :D
So I went to the butchers.
Said can I have those two pieces of beef up there.
He said, no, the steaks are too high.
So I went to the butchers.
Said can I have those two pieces of beef up there.
He said, no, the steaks are too high.
NNnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo!!
:D
I asked our chef at work if I could have a couple of pieces of venison for lunch ...
...but he told me they were two deer.
dizzyblonde
14-05-07, 08:28 PM
one to make kids snigger
Bubbles in the bath
By ivor Windybottom
A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.
Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on
A lorry load of wigs have been stolen from a warehouse.
Police are combing the area for clues...oh the old'uns are the best :D
A lorry load of Viagra was hijacked earlier today.
Pollice are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the
man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
So I went to the butchers.
Said can I have those two pieces of beef up there.
He said, no, the steaks are too high.
Bloke walks into the butchers carrying a giant condom
"A pound 'a fillet"
Butcher says
"A pound you don't"
So I tried to phone the famous Tibetan Spiritual Leader........and was sent a goat with a long neck!!
Then I realised what I had actually called was "Dial-a-Llama"!!
one to make kids snigger
Bubbles in the bath
By ivor Windybottom
*sniggers* :lol:
This is the funniest thing that you will ever hear...get your earphones on...there is no use of anglosaxon style language...enjoy...
http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=372
I got christened with a flamethrower you know. That was a baptism of fire.
And the vicar was wearing a gorilla costume. That was a blessing in disguise
- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a ****…
Marshall
16-05-07, 11:27 AM
In The Beginning & Health
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the Health Service Executive.
~~o~~ THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION ~~o~~
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
~~o~~ CONCLUSION ~~o~~
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
DanDare
16-05-07, 11:34 AM
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required", answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."
DanDare
16-05-07, 11:36 AM
l
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not m**tur**t very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a w*nker.
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
Filipe M.
16-05-07, 08:41 PM
What, no Portugal there? :lol: (I think I'm asking for it, aren't I? 8-[ )
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality St.
It was after eight. He turned out the light for a bit of black magic.
He slipped his hand in her snickers and showed her his curly wurly,
not keen to have jelly babies she let him take a trip up bourneville
boulevard. She screamed with turkish delight, as he took out his fun
sized mars bar, it felt a bit crunchie and she wanted some time out
but he did a twirl and had a picnic in her pink wafers....
:D :cool:
I'm lovin' this one...
Job interview test in Jamaica:
"Here's your first question" the foreman said, "without using numbers,
represent the number 9?"
"Without numbers?" the rastaman says "oh,dat dere is easy." and
proceeds to draw three trees.
"Whats this?" asks the foreman
"You no see it mon? tree and tree and tree make 9,nuh" says the rasta
"Fair enough," says the foreman "here's your second question,use the
same rules but this time the number is 99."
The rasta stares into space for a while then picks up the picture he
has just drawn an makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go"
The foreman scratches his head & says "how on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees him dirty now! So its dirty tree and dirty tree and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The foreman is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this rasta, so he says "all right, last question. Same rules again but represent
the number 100."
The rasta stares into space some more, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go mon,100"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts,if you think that represents a hundred!"
The rasta leans forward an points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says "a little dog come along see,& crap by each tree,so now you got
dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd,
which makes 100.....so when I start boss."
Filipe M.
16-05-07, 09:09 PM
I'm lovin' this one...
Job interview test in Jamaica:
PMSL!!!!! :lol:
An Invaluable guide, I think you’ll agree, when up East……
Alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
Amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")
Assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
Awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")
Branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")
Cort a panda - A rather large hamburger
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")
Eye-eels - Women's shoes
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
Garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")
Lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
Oi Oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
Paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
Reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
Tan - The city of London, the big smoke
Webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")
Wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. required by the police
Zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")
Short & sweet are the best tho'......
Shakespear goes into a pub and ask's the landlord for a pint of his finest ale , the landlord say's "You can F*** Off your Bard".
:rolleyes: :D
Oh...my...God...PMSL...
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES" , said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it". She returns with the container and hands it over to thr pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed , the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...
" TO APPLY - PUSH UP BOTTOM ".
Just one more before my sides split...
The God of Thunder came down to Earth and went to a party. He pulled a woman and spent the night with her, next morning she asked his name.
He replied: "I'm Thor!" She replied: "Tho am I , but wathn't it worth it!"
:D :D
Filipe M.
16-05-07, 10:09 PM
Just one more before my sides split...
And before the quality goes down the drain! :p
now this is a good un
The train from Queen St to Bishopbriggs was very busy.
At the next stop a midget got on - an actual, proper wee dwarf midget, with a Victoria Wines carry-out bag.
It was quite busy on the train, there was no room for his bag on the seat beside him, he was looking up at the overhead rack.
A good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to put that up for you mate?"
"Yes please" he said, and it was done.
But it wasn't up right and when the train moved, a half bottle of Vodka fell out the bag and smashed on the floor.
The midget stood up, his face red with rage, the inspector came along to see what was going on.
The inspector asked if it was his bag.
The midget says "Yeah...and I'm not happy!!"
A voice from the back of the carriage shouts out
"Well . . . . . . . which one are you then ?"
The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
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"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
I found this whilst searching for inspiration for my farewell email and leaving do invite........
Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."
For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "mostly satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these "email forwards." I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
To Felix: I left a new wris****ch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he'll come by.)
And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We'll talk later.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
2........
Dear All,
As many of you may know, farewell emails must start like this or some planetary misalignment triggers the spontaneous combustion of several exotic and furry species. That being said today is my last day at JPMorgan. I would say that it's been a pleasure working with all of you, but then again, losing the ability to walk fully upright, several inches in various key places, and possessing a gait resembling someone just released from a night in a maximum security state penitentiary would suggest otherwise.
Although the tone of this email smacks of someone who just got the equivalent of the petting zoo parting gift behind the wrong door in "Let's Make a Deal" in lieu of a normal banking bonus, I assure you, that even though the bonuses of the departing second years make Planck's constant seem like a Powerball jackpot, I am not bitter. After all, a firm must try especially hard to have a retention rate pegged somewhere between the NYC water main and an incontinent schoolboy, and have a unique talent to put a veil over people's eyes so thick that it makes a burqa seem like a leopard print thong. Thus is the nature of the sweetly scented veil of empty rhetoric, in which all pitch-books are under 25 pages, each telecom dividend is more "special" than the last, each project is on its way to becoming the "SECOND BIGGEST LBO EVER!," and all GBC bindings are dolphin friendly.
To be fair, I have grown fond of many of JPMorgan's finer qualities – the glorious inverted pyramid, in which prides of senior people are supported by a lone analyst, in which Atlas doesn't only shrug, he is in serious need of a chiropractor. It is not necessarily debilitating to process the groundbreaking ideas of those who make "Ice, Ice Baby" seem like an original score, or coexist on the bottom rung of a firm whose idea of resource management is so misguided that its next major strategic initiative is to invade Manchuria, but it does tend to wear on the psyche, if not the cuticles.
My only advice going forward – impair or infirm yourself in some way or another. JPMorgan rewards competence about as well as Pol Pot rewarded wearing eyeglasses, and never has a firm been so afraid of those who work out and bathe regularly. The firm's "star" system is apt in many ways, in that it emphasizes the critical role in the firm played by giant balls of hot flaming gas. The M&A floor smells like Cheetos and feet for a reason, and although this reason could definitely use the aid of some anti-bacterial soap and moist towelettes (and why are M&A off-site activities so desperately masculine (gun ranges, et al.) that in general the overcompensating M&A folk make the cast of Queer Eye look like Gunsmoke), M&A personnel sure are "highly regarded."
So throw off the chains of dynamism, point-of-view, and especially humor! Cast away the shackles of personality, creativity, and passion! JPMorgan will take your tired, your sick, and your hungry – and hire them on the spot.
Switching gears for a minute – good luck to everyone – there were ups and downs, highs and lows, cheers and jeers, kip-ups and tri-pods, but most of all there was soft, gentle, weeping... Most of all – thanks to everyone who put up with me for the last two years. I did learn a lot – some financial, some hygienic...
And next year I'm joining the circus...
Cheers,
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there*s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they*re the
most perfect breasts God ever created and I*m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God*s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a
commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a littlePR.After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name."Stanley," responds the little boy."And what is your question, Stanley?""I have 4 questions:First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americansdon't have health insurance?Just then, the bell rings for break.George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break.When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It'squestion time. Who has a question?"A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and askshim his name."Little Johnnie" he responds."And what is your question, Little Johnnie?""Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of allAmericans don't have health insurance?Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?"
Two female neighbours went out for a night of fun down at the local pub. After a largely uneventful night of bacardi breezers they left to go home.
Halfway home both ladies were caught short and had to go for a wee. They nipped in to the cemetery and crouched down to relieve themselves behind the headstones.
Upon finishing they both needed to dry themselves and the first lady took off her pants wiped herself with them and then threw them over the hedge. The next lady had put on her special night out knickers and didn’t want to part with them and so looked for an alternative. Turning round she spied a recently dug grave which had a bouquet of flowers still on top of it. She reached over, removed the ribbon a dried herself with that.
The next day their respective husbands were discussing the merits of allowing the ladies out unescorted and the first on commented that he was a bit unsure what the girls had got up to as his wife had returned with no knickers, the next gent said that that was nothing and when his wife got into bed he spied a card nestled in between her buttocks which when removed read ‘ thanks for everything, we’ll never forget you, all the lads at the fire station’.
_drummer_
23-05-07, 05:55 AM
It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
Saw this in a different forum.
How many Forum Subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to 'post' that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting Forum section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical Forum section .
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs .
5 to 'flame' the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar 'flames.'
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb' ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct.
19 to 'post' that this Forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb Forum.
11 to defend the 'posting' to this Forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the 'posts' are relevant to this Forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to 'post' URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to 'post' that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
3 to 'post' about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all 'posts' to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too."
5 to 'post' to the group that they will no longer 'post' because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say, "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before 'posting' questions about light bulbs."
fizzwheel
28-05-07, 09:24 PM
Stingo :notworthy: quality post mate
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
\\:D/ :D :D
Lady visits her G.P. as her hubby has lost all interest in s*x.
" Does your husband like mustard?" asks the doc..
" Pardon!?" exclaims the lady
" Does your husband like mustard?" repeats the doc.
" Yes he loves it" replies the lady, he smothers his food with it at every sitting.
Doc explains.."This tube of mustard I have here looks like mustard, tastes like mustard but is in fact the most powerfull aphrodisiac in the world and I guarantee your hubby will be insatiable after one dose".
The lady grabs the mustard, thanks the doc and rushes home to prepare hubby's favourite tea.
Hubby arrives home from work "Hello darling, I've made your favourite tea, bangers and mash and there's some fresh mustard for your use".
"Cracking!" says hubby and sits down to tuck in.
The lady rushes upstairs to await her night of passion but before she can reach the bedroom the sound of raucous laughter can be heard coming from the kitchen, she returns downstairs to find her hubby rolling around on the floor in tears of laughter.. when she manages to calm him down and stop him giggling he splutters
" I put some mustard on the sausage and it shot up the cats ar$e"
:confused: I don't get it? Why would it do that?
TheDangerousQuietOne
29-05-07, 10:35 AM
Cus it made the sausage horny so it raped the cat, duh!
Stingo :notworthy: quality post mate
:takeabow:
Thankyou Fizz.
Stu...just jokin'....right?;)
No, it's a bit too unrealistic to me.
The one on forum was quality though, heard it before, but it is just so true.
Saw this in a different forum.
How many Forum Subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to 'post' that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting Forum section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical Forum section .
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs .
5 to 'flame' the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar 'flames.'
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb' ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct.
19 to 'post' that this Forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb Forum.
11 to defend the 'posting' to this Forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the 'posts' are relevant to this Forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to 'post' URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to 'post' that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
3 to 'post' about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all 'posts' to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too."
5 to 'post' to the group that they will no longer 'post' because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say, "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before 'posting' questions about light bulbs."
:-dd :notworthy: good post.
I was going to put this in the "bump" thread, but decided against it :oops:
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP........BUMP.. BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here, "says the devil.”You are on my list but I
have no room for you. "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves..."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it were Richard Nixon and a large pool
of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said.........................................
OK, Monica, you're free to go!
oldjack
03-06-07, 05:36 PM
How come leopards can still climb trees even though their fingers and toes have dropped off?
WE NEED YOU! Just Print, Fill in and Post to MOD,
WhiteHall, London , SW1
ROYAL AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless
life to the Royal Air Force because I know I couldn't
hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten
me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for
the work done by others more dedicated than me who
take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep
test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I
believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk
around calling everyone by their first name because I
know I'm not really in the military and I find it
amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a
better quality of life than all those around me and
will at all times be sure to make them aware of that
fact.
After completion of my (he he) "basic training," I
will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay
Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all
others, and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I
will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it
makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and
will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and
understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday
probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________
BRITISH ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre
life to the British Army because I couldn't score high
enough on the entrance test to get into the Air Force,
I'm not tough enough for the Royal Marines, and the
Royal Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.
I will wear CS95's every day and tuck my trousers into
my boots because I can't figure out how to use
Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every day that
I am a fierce killing machine because the RSM told me
I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever
will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my
first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is
because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC
training, I will attend a different Army school once
every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left.
On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like
I am cool and propose to my sixth form girlfriend. I
will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out
she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air
Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will
continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge
while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will
arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report
back to the "section." I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a
job in civi street, and will end up working in
security at Tesco with my friends from high school. I
will brag to everyone about the Army giving me £1500
for education, but will be unable to use it because I
can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
ROYAL NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign
away four years of my life to the Royal Navy because I
want to hang out with Marines without actually having
to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was
too gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to
swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in
1976 and to have my name stenciled on the **** of
every item of clothing I own. I understand that I will
be mistaken for the Good Humour man during the summer,
and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive
to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck,
bulkhead, lid, and head," when I really mean "floor,
wall, hat, and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy
acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for
that matter, are completely different from the other
services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every
morning unless I am mates with the Chief, in which
case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone
my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can
stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon
and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once
selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to
the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
ROYAL MARINES OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...
uhhhh... hard-and-fast... grunt... Green Lid... ugh...
WRNS.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
:thumbsup: You just gotta love that last one!!
Not sure if this is the right thread - but gave me a giggle ;)
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php
Stingo :notworthy: quality post mateMaybe but im sure we had that one before and we added a few extras, one i remember being....
101 keithd to make a lightbulb refrence abut Scoobs head!
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8} I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
fizzwheel
05-06-07, 07:35 AM
Moved to joke thread
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention...
Anyway the fella who was driving got out, he was a dwarf!!!!
He said "I'm not happy"........
I said "Well which one are you then?”
:D
tinpants
06-06-07, 08:51 AM
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of
you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad ,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get
in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you
reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sheila
_Stretchie_
06-06-07, 09:07 AM
Ha haa, my sides hurt, that was great
Bluepete
06-06-07, 03:22 PM
Heard this on the radio traffic news;
North Yorks Police say (such and such a road) is closed due to an HGV loosing it's load of paper. Apparently, it's stationery traffic!
A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you
sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied: "Of
course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love
to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his
dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on
two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."
The father replied, "That's my boy!"
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad!" he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my **** is too sore."
The old couple prepared to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says "Seven Points"
His wife rolls over and says"What in the world was that?" The old man replied"It's fart rugby"
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says"Try and conversion. 7-all"
After about 5 minutes the old man lets another one go and says"Penalty, 10 points to 7"
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says"Penalty, 10-all"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says"Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10"
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuse to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.
Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and then kaks in the bed.
The wife says"What the hell was that?"
The old man says"half time, change sides!!!!"
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the F*ck would you have said ?"
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the Audience.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful Antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.
'S H I T!' said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior centre
Avast there!! You will love this or be flogged damn you!!....
THE REDHEAD
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
weazelz
09-06-07, 10:37 PM
Half of all adults in the United States say they have registered as an organ donor ...
... although only some have purchased a motorcycle to show that they're really serious about it
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on
board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and
the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an
Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the
driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles." "Happy days,"
says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his
way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a
good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the
motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him
down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester
Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now
we're going to Alton Towers." :smt040
gettin2dizzy
10-06-07, 06:59 PM
Half of all adults in the United States say they have registered as an organ donor ...
... although only some have purchased a motorcycle to show that they're really serious about it
we are not worthy!
i like :)
Probably been posted before but who cares?...
To help you forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words, these are genuine clips from letters sent to UK Councils:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s the dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
:) :smt036
dizzyblonde
13-06-07, 03:45 PM
do you have any mates in france stingo, I had that posted to me last night
do you have any mates in france stingo, I had that posted to me last night
Mates? Francais? Je ne sais pas quel que chose s'il vous plait. Les singes est dans l'arbres?:smt102
dizzyblonde
13-06-07, 07:15 PM
eh? parlez vous Yorkhire? je parle francais une petit peu, monsiuer Je suis une dizzyblonde
singers in the trees. my french is poo.
Mais oui mademoiselle - je suis Pudsey. Les elephants est dans moi voiture. Regardez - le stylo est sur le table.
dizzyblonde
13-06-07, 07:36 PM
how many elephants can you get in a car?pouvez vous le reparer?
Spiderman
13-06-07, 07:42 PM
Mais oui mademoiselle - je suis Pudsey. Les elephants est dans moi voiture. Regardez - le stylo est sur le table.
Ah, oui. Votre stylo est tres joli.
Ah, oui. Votre stylo est tres joli.
:shock: Ah - le garcon spidey. Ou est le pont de le monsieur Biffin?:smt005
dizzyblonde
13-06-07, 08:09 PM
y-at-il quelqu'un qui parle anglais??????????
Filipe M.
14-06-07, 11:51 AM
Non.
Till death us do part:
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died,
his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.
Once in heaven, Myrtle , Anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him.
She run towards him, calling his name: "Joe.
darling.."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me.
The deal was very clear!!
Until death do us part!"
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch."
dizzyblonde
14-06-07, 08:50 PM
:smt041 :smt082 :smt043
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains a thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire-truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
Here's something for all you medical
know-it-alls . .. ..
Did you know that in the human body there
is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the
anus?
It is called the "anal optic nerve". It's
responsible for giving people a "****ty
outlook" on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from
your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a
tear to your eye
Mais oui mademoiselle - je suis Pudsey. Les elephants est dans moi voiture. Regardez - le stylo est sur le table.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Now that's the funniest damn thing I've read in ages... :lol:
Filipe M.
15-06-07, 01:55 PM
Mais oui mademoiselle - je suis Pudsey. Les elephants sont dans moi voiture. Regardez - le stylo est sur le table.
Plural, Stingo, plural. :p ;) :lol:
Here's something for all you medical
know-it-alls . .. ..
Did you know that in the human body there
is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the
anus?
It is called the "anal optic nerve". It's
responsible for giving people a "****ty
outlook" on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from
your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a
tear to your eye
No, this is the funniest thing you've read in ages!:smt041 :smt041 :smt041 :smt041 :smt020
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place."
Kate Moss
15-06-07, 02:56 PM
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you
are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong
and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a
Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you
in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>>
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my ****", he replied. The
receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You
asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a
room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The
man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's
something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't **** out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose! :smt041
I suggest you sit on the floor before reading this one - I don't want you to hurt yourselves falling off your chair!! Oh...and put that drink down too!!
Right...here we go...
Two tramps meet down a lane, after passing pleasentries, one tramp say's. "Don't go in that field over there".
His mate asks why. "Because its haunted". His mate said. "How do you know it's haunted". The other tramp said. "I wanted to cr@ p and went into the field, dropped my trousers, squatted down and all I heard was a snapping noise and that happened all over the field".
His mate asked how long it was since he had eaten and the other tramp said "About three days, Why?"
His mate said "Thats the answer, you're hungry and its your **** snapping at the grass!!!!
:takeabow: :smt046 :smt044 :smt044 :smt043 :smt043 :smt043
And in the stylee of the great Cuffy....
Micheal Barrymore has just be asked if he'd like to do panto this year.
He declined at this stage saying - "I did Aladdin a few years back and still haven't heard the last of it"
Wideboy
15-06-07, 09:10 PM
dad on the beach says to the peedo get out of my sun
2 peedos sat on a park bench a 12yr old girl walks past one says to the other i be she was good in her day
Wideboy
16-06-07, 11:05 AM
sorry :smt086
sorry :smt086
For the spelling, I assume?
"Peedo" should be spelt "Paedo" as in "Paedophile". Notice the dipthong* :thumbsup:
* a word which itself sounds ruder than it's meaning ;)
And in the stylee of the great Cuffy....
Micheal Barrymore has just be asked if he'd like to do panto this year.
He declined at this stage saying - "I did Aladdin a few years back and still haven't heard the last of it"
Aww thanks stingo,
He has just opened a pub in Somerset, Barrymore thst is not stingo...He's named it "The Mendip Inn"
:takeabow:
Your true comedy genius :D
He's named it "The Mendip Inn"
:takeabow:
Before that he owned a pub on Cathedral Road in Cardiff called "The Halfway Inn"....... but experience has allowed him to move upwards from there.
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