View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They have imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own ****ing oil!
Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumped out of the stripper.
davepreston
08-03-11, 10:58 PM
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They have imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own ****ing oil!
you wont be laughting when we strike oil
;)
andrewsmith
09-03-11, 07:54 AM
you wont be laughting when we strike oil
;)
We'll be invading
SoulKiss
09-03-11, 08:14 AM
you wont be laughting when we strike oil
We'll be invading
No need to invade.
When they discover they can't drink this black stuff they will pay people to take it away.
not going to get many replies to a red X
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
punyXpress
11-03-11, 05:29 PM
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside
asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell
ar5e cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or
Cornetto?"
punyXpress
11-03-11, 05:31 PM
. . and a clean/ish one!
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite
pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a
jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon
dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft
bugger!"
A man walked into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie or his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for a sheer item, paid the £150 and took the lingerie home where he presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thought 'I have an idea. It's so see through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appeared naked at the top of the stairs and struck a pose.
'Stone me,' said the husband, 'it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
Bluefish
12-03-11, 10:11 PM
you wont be laughting when we strike oil
;)
Lol qualitee ;)
STRAMASHER
14-03-11, 02:18 PM
I see they had a shock winner at the Aussie Gold Coast Surfing Championships.
A Jap on a wardrobe!
Thats made me snigger and bite my lip at the same time- Too soon poss??
Thats made me snigger and bite my lip at the same time- Too soon poss??
I agree. It can be a bit shaky when jokes like that drift in. There'll always be a tidal wave of bad humour pouring out.
:smt080
SoulKiss
14-03-11, 03:41 PM
Thats made me snigger and bite my lip at the same time- Too soon poss??
My only thought is that its not funny.
"A Jap on a Wardrobe" - there is no clever interplay of words etc.
"A Jap on an Ironing Board" - better as at least an ironing board is like surfboard
So a "2/10 must try harder" I'm afraid :p
BanannaMan
15-03-11, 03:45 AM
I see they had a shock winner ...
In poor taste perhaps but I liked it.
STRAMASHER
15-03-11, 11:51 AM
I know exactly what those Japanese people are going through right now.
I had 18 aftershocks once and I could'nt find my feckin house either!:smt048
My only thought is that its not funny.
"A Jap on a Wardrobe" - there is no clever interplay of words etc.
"A Jap on an Ironing Board" - better as at least an ironing board is like surfboard
So a "2/10 must try harder" I'm afraid :p
well no, not really. whilst i agree the ironing board is very much like a surfboard, the point of the joke surely is that somebody won the competition on something that is nothing like a surfboard making their achievement more impressive. so wardrobe works well, equally as would garden fence or garage door or any other flat surface.
i vote the joke is remarked to a 7/10
I know exactly what those Japanese people are going through right now.
I had 18 aftershocks once and I could'nt find my feckin house either!:smt048
I did have a small lol, but I still feel guilty.
metalangel
15-03-11, 01:59 PM
Paddy goes to the Chepstow races.
A sleazy fella next to him whispers: "'Ere, you want the winner of the next race?"
"Eh, no thanks," replies Paddy, "I've only got a small garden."
davepreston
15-03-11, 04:58 PM
that wouldnt stop a real paddy :)
wyrdness
15-03-11, 05:36 PM
I love it when they make women take off their shoes at the airport. Yeah, like a woman's going to blow up a perfectly good pair of shoes.
I love it when they make women take off their shoes at the airport. Yeah, like a woman's going to blow up a perfectly good pair of shoes.
I thought for a minute you were a foot fetishist and then I realised it was joke.
punyXpress
15-03-11, 09:38 PM
. . . that as well! ;)
SoulKiss
15-03-11, 09:50 PM
that wouldnt stop a real paddy :)
dya like harses?
andrewsmith
15-03-11, 09:51 PM
harses?
Dave20046
15-03-11, 09:52 PM
harses?
Gaelic for horses.
D'ya like Dags?
yorkie_chris
15-03-11, 10:27 PM
"F*ck your mitsubishi I've a harse out side..."
davepreston
16-03-11, 12:41 AM
any more comments like that and you lot will be needing a herse not a harse
I don't think its appropriate to make jokes after this tragedy. I know its hard to feel sorry or sympathy because they're foreigners, but we have to remember they lost everything in almost an instant. They've been left with nothing.... Still there's always next season for Arsenal.
any more comments like that and you lot will be needing a herse not a harse
do you mean a hearse?
punyXpress
19-03-11, 08:43 PM
Girl: "Mummy, do au-pair girls' bottoms come off?"
Mummy: "No dear, why?"
Girl: "Well I just heard Daddy say to the next-door neighbour that this morning he screwed the ar$e off ours!"
Dave20046
20-03-11, 06:24 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFwxH3PPWiU&feature=related
Bluefish
20-03-11, 09:33 PM
Thanks for that dave:D, i then clicked on the cruise ship, top of the list which lead me to finding this, not safe for work due to comments, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYeDsa4Tw0c&feature=fvwrel now downloading, brill music ;)
punyXpress
21-03-11, 09:20 PM
Apologies to all wrinklies!
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
PS - I was just about to call the police to report a theft of my cereal, but now I know where it is.
BanannaMan
22-03-11, 03:31 AM
A tight pair of Levi's is like a cheap hotel.
No ballroom.
hindle8907
23-03-11, 09:39 AM
NASA have done a space mission with two monkeys and a woman.
NASA to monkey 1: check shuttle trajectory and velocity.
NASA to monkey 2: check fuel efficiency and adjust shuttle weight shift.
NASA to woman: feed monkeys, touch bugger all.
A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to bereassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting jussanyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to soundexperienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for herrequest.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heardabout from other girls ... Nummaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, but this time from him Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
@puny....
That joke's older than I am. I first hear it told about David Beckham.
stingo...
rubbish. 1/10.
:smt086
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/macgyvererectile.png
Does anyone else find it ironic that fish are now eating raw Japanese?
My Japanese girlfriend just left me. I thought to myself, oh well, there's plenty more in the sea
xXBADGERXx
25-03-11, 01:59 PM
A family of Prostitutes were gathered around the dinner table when the youngest one proudly proclaimed "I managed to get £25 for a Blow-Job last night" . Her Mother replies "Blimey we were lucky to get a Fiver in my day" . The Grandmother chips in with "Well girls , during the war , we were just glad of the warm drink"
Specialone
26-03-11, 11:06 PM
The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/job.png
missyburd
27-03-11, 08:26 PM
Peter Griffin- " 'Boob' is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view."
xXBADGERXx
01-04-11, 05:27 PM
Following the death of Eddie Stobart today a film is being made of his life . It look`s good , I`ve seen the trailer
Following the death of Eddie Stobart today a film is being made of his life . It look`s good , I`ve seen the trailer
Even his life was limited to 56
IRON MAN = Metal armoured super hero
IRON WOMAN = Simple verbal instruction
Dicky Ticker
08-04-11, 09:17 AM
When I was out in the car last night I got stopped in a road side check. A policeman with a sniffer dog came to the car and said "My dog is telling me you have drugs"
I replied "No **** sherlock,your the one with the talking dog"
metalangel
11-04-11, 06:13 AM
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling.
Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
I can't believe the madness I witnessed in Brighton today. There was a couple having an argument on the seafront and the guy started hitting his wife. A copper turned up, but rather than calming things down, he took out his baton and started smacking the guy about. Then the guy wrestled the baton off the copper and started beating him AND his wife. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!
I can't believe the madness I witnessed in Brighton today. There was a couple having an argument on the seafront and the guy started hitting his wife. A copper turned up, but rather than calming things down, he took out his baton and started smacking the guy about. Then the guy wrestled the baton off the copper and started beating him AND his wife. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!How much dust was on top of that joke when you found it?
davepreston
12-04-11, 11:50 AM
How much dust was on top of that joke when you found it?
not as much as when he opened his wallet ;)
metalangel
13-04-11, 08:56 AM
They had a Welshman on Countdownthe other day.
I'll have a consonant please Rachel.....L......and another.....L.....and another.....W......and another......Y.......
Oh that's lovely......I'll have 5 more consonants......
The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night.
To be fair, the audience tried to warn him.
I accidentally took tipex instead of Viagra last night.
I woke up with a massive correction.
Sara-Gaz
13-04-11, 08:40 PM
Man rings 999
He tells the operator " I think my wife is dead! "
Operator asks " How do you know that? "
" Cuz the sex is still the same, but the washing and ironing is piling up! "
xXBADGERXx
13-04-11, 08:43 PM
Jeeeeeesus lol
One off the TV
Sir your wife looks like shes been in an accident
Yeah but she has a great personality
amarko5
15-04-11, 01:20 AM
Prince Williams says he doesn't want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding.
.
.
.
.
.
Prince Philip says he doesn't give a f~*#, he's going anyway!
.
.
wyrdness
16-04-11, 10:04 AM
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k205/Catenaccio/Lucas-Electrical-System-Jokes.jpg
christian1000
18-04-11, 09:10 AM
I've just had a angry letter from screwfix. They said they are not a "dating" agency and to please stop calling.
BanannaMan
21-04-11, 04:27 AM
What if the Beatles were Irish?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFjH4ZqwOB4
J/K DP ;)
Jimmy2Feet
21-04-11, 01:22 PM
the BBC have a new show starting next week, its a cooking show for women that have been victims of domestic abuse.....its called "cant cook? Right Hook!"
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't.
Jimmy2Feet
21-04-11, 02:26 PM
:)
Little Bruce and Becky are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Becky's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Becky are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Becky's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Becky."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Becky makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable.
stormingjoe
22-04-11, 05:05 PM
The English are 'feeling the pinch' in relation to the Recent terrorist threats and have, therefore decided to raise their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon though, security levels may even be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". The English have not been "A bit cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when supplies of tea nearly ran out.
Terrorists have now been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A bloody nuisance". The last time a "Bloody nuisance" security alert was issued by the British, was in 1588, when they were threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scot's have raised their security level from "****ed off" to "Lets go get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the main reason they have been in the front line of the British Army for 300 years.
The French government, yesterday announced that it has raised it's threat level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher security levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was due to a recent fire, which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".
The Germans have increased their alert status from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat level they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a look at the old Spanish Navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crickey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled".
The Idle Biker
22-04-11, 08:51 PM
arf arf hah ha and.... How many French Soldiers does it take to successfully defend Paris against an invading enemy?
Nobody knows, because it's never been done!
The Basket
24-04-11, 09:10 PM
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole ***** bed by the looks of it!"
-Ralph-
01-05-11, 10:35 PM
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market
place looking at the goods and such, when they came to a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners!
Come in. Come into my humble shop' so the couple walked in. The Jamaican said
'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at
sex'.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but
her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied 'Just try dem on, Mon'.
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something
his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's thights.
The Jamaican began screaming 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'.
andrewsmith
02-05-11, 12:08 AM
:smt082:smt082:smt082
grh1904
02-05-11, 12:39 PM
BREAKING NEWS: -
Elton John to release commemorative single in light of Osama Bin ladens death, "SANDALS IN THE BIN" expected to be this weeks new number 1.
grh1904
02-05-11, 12:48 PM
News agencies are reporting that Osama Bin Ladens last words to his wife were, "YOU WALK THE DOGS & I'LL FEED THE FISH".
xXBADGERXx
02-05-11, 09:03 PM
You fill out one Census form and before you know it a bunch of Navy SEALS are busting your front door in , shooting you dead and dumping your body in the sea
andrewsmith
02-05-11, 09:06 PM
You fill out one Census form and before you know it a bunch of Navy SEALS are busting your front door in , shooting you dead and dumping your body in the sea
or Hire D.P to drink you under the table :lol:
xXBADGERXx
02-05-11, 09:08 PM
or Hire D.P to drink you under the table :lol:
It didn`t happen .... I started before they got here , he was first to fall asleep and the last to wake up as well (he will say it`s because he drove 700 miles blah blah blah and was 1 can ahead of us , but when throwing out the empties today , me and YC found 2 of his cans easily half empty maybe with more in ;) )
Jessica_
04-05-11, 03:38 PM
HAHA. . .Subscribed!
The 5 Secrets of a Perfect Relationship
1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie. 4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is extremely important that these four women never meet.
SoulKiss
04-05-11, 03:59 PM
HAHA. . .Subscribed!
The 5 Secrets of a Perfect Relationship
1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie. 4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is extremely important that these four women never meet.
Lol - we need a poll for the female orgers - are you 1,2,3 or 4 :p
Stolen and facebooked. So far only females have "liked" it. I'll soon ask which one they are :D
Jimmy2Feet
04-05-11, 04:17 PM
i have seen this one before, its an old joke......but a good joke.......
i have seen this one before, its an old joke......but a good joke.......
None of your cheek jimmy908feet!
Jimmy2Feet
04-05-11, 04:43 PM
None of your cheek jimmy908feet!
Oi i said no answering back...........i will turn this car around!!!!!
Fruity-ya-ya
04-05-11, 04:46 PM
On May the fourth!
(In my best Jimmy2Feet voice pretending to be James Earl Jones playing the part of Darth Vader).
Reeder......I am your father!
That is quite some insult to me :)
however i will run with the authority of being his father..........
Reeder...............do as your bloody well told, if you want your pocket money get out there and clean my bike............i want it dont properly mind.............so no cutting corners!!!!
and before yo try no answering back!!!
:) :) :) :) :)
Oi i said no answering back...........i will turn this car around!!!!!
Noooo :(
Fruity-ya-ya
04-05-11, 05:53 PM
I come from a family of crack shot police marksmen.
This stems from my grandfather being an armed robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his family.
(Milton Jones (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Milton-Jones/17651629727) not me, what a don)
xXBADGERXx
04-05-11, 07:44 PM
I see Starbucks have a new Coffee called "Osama Bin Latte" , nice white fluffy head with 2 shots in it .
xXBADGERXx
04-05-11, 08:01 PM
And , apparently , Irish Special Forces joined in the Assault as well . They stormed Debenhams after hearing that "Summer Bed Linen" was on the 3rd Floor
Jessica_
05-05-11, 08:41 AM
I see Starbucks have a new Coffee called "Osama Bin Latte" , nice white fluffy head with 2 shots in it .
:thumbsup: Lol! Thought it was two shots and a splash of water :P
I know that Osama was expecting 72 virgins...
But he misheard and got one 72 year old virgin... who has a headache haha
Geodude
05-05-11, 09:09 AM
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" asks the man
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate
and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino
Cherries on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the
Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats
it.
The bartender is disgusted,
"Did you see what your Monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate
them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,
"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to pass that cue
ball, he measures everything first."
I come from a family of crack shot police marksmen.
This stems from my grandfather being an armed robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his family.
(Milton Jones (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Milton-Jones/17651629727) not me, what a don)Legend he is.
Another from Milton
I was sitting in Traffic the other day. Got hit by 3 cars
Jessica_
06-05-11, 12:37 PM
Many arsenal fans were very excited after sundays result, including osama bin laden who ran outside shouting come on you gunners!
President Obama has decided to withhold footage of Bin Laden being killed on the basis that: 'The graphic nature of the photos would cause great distress to the public.'
Seriously, I think if we can handle 2 Girls 1 Cup we can handle the sight of a towelhead being shot in the face.
Jimmy2Feet
06-05-11, 04:07 PM
President Obama has decided to withhold footage of Bin Laden being killed on the basis that: 'The graphic nature of the photos would cause great distress to the public.'
Seriously, I think if we can handle 2 Girls 1 Cup we can handle the sight of a towelhead being shot in the face.
:winner:
President Obama has decided to withhold footage of Bin Laden being killed on the basis that: 'The graphic nature of the photos would cause great distress to the public.'
Seriously, I think if we can handle 2 Girls 1 Cup we can handle the sight of a towelhead being shot in the face.
I heard that it was because Chuck Norris didnt want to be seen in wearing a helmet
andrewsmith
06-05-11, 07:29 PM
after he kicked Steven Segal through a bank safe
punyXpress
11-05-11, 01:29 PM
Two for one . . .
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never came back.
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
. . and:
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
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