The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Filipe M.]

Check out the Walter clips by the same guy. ;)

[monkey]

Apologies if this has been posted before but I had it sent to me on Facebook and I very nearly p*ssed myself laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

You'd be right to apologise! :)

[Jdubya]

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

[Richie]

The State of the NHS Explained



Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be.

The BUPA team won by a mile.

Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing."

To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one "Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year BUPA won by two miles.

Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to senior management. Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again . This also resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

[_drummer_]

I realise this might *ahem* bend the U rating a lil but it is very funny (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fapYIefxoYM)

[Bluepete]

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t48/conker51/Bike%20cam/Divert_Your_Course.jpg

[Stu]

Wow, blow the cobwebs off time I see - 30 or 40 year old jokes? http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp :lol:

[_drummer_]

Clicky here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQdMtFcyoEA)

XD

[_drummer_]

And here's another one, clicky
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aikg6OP3jwU)
XD

[_drummer_]

The Italian Man Who went to Malta (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1TnzCiUSI0) - pretty old but funny :D

[_drummer_]

Girl dumped on live radio show (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJeWvWAVqLw) :D

[skint]

Village Barbershop


A man stuck his head into The Village Barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The man left.
A few days later, the same man stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The man left.
A week later, the same man stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The man left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour.
Follow that man and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped tears of laughter from his eyes, and said,

Your House!!

[hovis]

A blonde and a redhead pass a florists as the redhead spots her fella
buying flowers. She says oh ****, the boyfriend always has expectations
after buying me flowers, i don,t feel like lying on my back with my legs in
the air for the next three days. the blonde says dont you have a vase?

[Mike2165]

The builders

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to
believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day
Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a
house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home
to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to
the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the
fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all
this", said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious,"
said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as
well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said....... "I think
so............. provided those b******s at Jewson deliver the f**king
bricks".

[Wideboy]

hahaha :smt040

[therealvw]

MIKE2165
I like that one!

[monkey]

Funny video made by Triumph


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc

[Mike2165]

Funny video made by Triumph


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc

That's so funny

Thanks therealvw, my mother in law sends loads to me, but most I could never put on here

[hovis]

What's the difference between Heather Mills and your car?










You don't burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown

[Essex of Essex]

A man walked into the ladies department of a M&S and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

[Essex of Essex]

After her outburst on GMTV earlier this week, a leading psychologist has denounced Heather McCartney as clearly unbalanced.

Sir Paul has phoned in to say that normally a couple of beer-mats under her left leg does the trick...

[Stingo]

LITTLE JONNY STRIKES AGAIN.........


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating".



Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated."


The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.


She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate", so she called on him.


Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight."


The teacher cried.:smt082

[Stingo]

Bit of a long and old one...have a beer handy...

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This
guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.
20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start
of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that
no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined
that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management
Division
----------------------------------------------------------------------
** This is the actual response sent back: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to
respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088
Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris"
dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay
for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be
highly offended that you call their skilful use of nature's building
materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt
to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their
dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation,
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being
unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.
Thank You.

[hovis]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh ****, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you ********.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its a**e
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

[hovis]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.


"We're not welcome at Homebase, either."

[Mike2165]

oops sorry Hovis, no idea what I just did to your joke, but I just saved mine..as you!

[Viney]

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son. That a lyric from The Gap bands, Oooops upside your head that is.

Carry on

[hovis]

oops sorry Hovis, no idea what I just did to your joke, but I just saved mine..as you!

eh? thats mine?



A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

[Mike2165]

You're right..I'm going bloody mad

[Jackhammer]

'The Love Dress'

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then
immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Bill to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Bill loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the
lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT

[Jackhammer]

Australian tourist Q&A
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Jackhammer]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a
chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the g ap.


He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Jackhammer]

should bring some smiles to all y'alls faces - that is if they've not been frozen set on the ride into work this morning ... brrrrrrrr

[Stingo]

PYSCHIATRIC HOSPITAL TELEPHONE MENU

"Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital."

Please select from the following options menu:


--If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

--If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

--If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

--If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
Line so we can trace your call.

--If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

--If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
You which number to press.

--If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
Press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

--If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

--If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

--If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
Loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

--If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busy
To talk with you.

--If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

--If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part
By remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

[cuffy]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and ? He could no longer resist.


"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[dizzyblonde]

Girls Biker Bar
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Pedro68]

Girls Biker Bar
PMSL

[Essex of Essex]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[ooger]

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

[Swiss]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not
only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be
put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the
window.

[Bluepete]

Swiss, I can just imagine you saying that (in character of course)

PMSL!

[Xan173]

http://irregularwebcomic.net/comics/irreg1759.jpg

[Stingo]

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the
window.



BIG BIG :smt046:smt046:smt046

albowco!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no really hahahahahahahahaha!

I will go to bed giggling tonight for sure.

[Moo]

England Football team.
Seriously what a comedy.
Enough said.:D

[Sosha]

More internet twaddle...

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been $0.00 and is now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'
ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ: 'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[cuffy]

OXO have just released a commererative red and white cube in conjunction with the English state of football, it's called the laughing stock.



If a long condom goes on a long knob and a short condom goes on a short knob, what would you put on a useless knob?













An England shirt :D

[hovis]

I was in the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,

3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the f**kin' plot!

[gettin2dizzy]

I was in the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,

3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the f**kin' plot!

:cheers:

[Speedy Claire]

3 Stages in a man`s life.............









SINGLE


http://uploads.bikechat.net/Speedy Claire/lion_1.bmp



MARRIED



http://uploads.bikechat.net/Speedy Claire/lion_2.bmp





DIVORCED



http://uploads.bikechat.net/Speedy Claire/lion3.bmp

[hovis]

england football team leaving wembley.........















.













http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o226/chaosffx/England_team_leaving_Wembley.jpg
or is it the sv650 pointys only ride out?

[ginger-(sv)ninja]

Biker sitting in a pub, quietly nursing his pint, when the door opens and in walks a lady of easily negotiable affection. She sits at the bar next to our hero and says in a husky voice, “Hey big boy, have you ever had a thrill?”
“Yeah,” replies the biker, “I was out on my bike and was rippin’ down some country lanes; the sun was shinin’, the little birds were tweetin’, the bike was runnin’ sweet and everythin’ was cool.”
“No, silly,” I mean have you ever had a real thrill?” she asks again.
“Oh yeah,” he answers. “I was cranking it over into some really tight bends and the footpegs were scraping out with sparks flying behind me!”
Bloody hell, she thinks, this bloke is so thick his brain must be custard. I’ll make it simple for him.
“What I mean is,” she says, as she runs her hand up the inside of his thigh and squeezes his nuts, opens her legs to reveal a complete absence of panties and hair, “have you ever felt a c**t?”
“Yeah,” he says. “I fell off.” ;)

[Stingo]

Not really a joke - more a sort of observation....

In the Northampton area there is a company that sells lounge furniture,and is called THE SOFA KING and on the back of his van it says his clients are sofa king happy because his sofa's are sofa king good.
Not sure how he gets away with it reallyhttp://britishexpats.com/forum/images/smilies/huh.gif

[Swiss]

Not really a joke - more a sort of observation....

In the Northampton area there is a company that sells lounge furniture,and is called THE SOFA KING and on the back of his van it says his clients are sofa king happy because his sofa's are sofa king good.
Not sure how he gets away with it reallyhttp://britishexpats.com/forum/images/smilies/huh.gif

That is a cunning stunt.

[Jdubya]

Not really a joke - more a sort of observation....

In the Northampton area there is a company that sells lounge furniture,and is called THE SOFA KING and on the back of his van it says his clients are sofa king happy because his sofa's are sofa king good.
Not sure how he gets away with it reallyhttp://britishexpats.com/forum/images/smilies/huh.gif


Thats just brilliant!

[cuffy]

A bloke walks into the Dr's and said he had a bit of an embarrasing problem "down below"
So the Dr asked the patient to remove his trouser and underpants and to his amazment he saw a bright orange penis.

The doc has this perplexed look on his face, scratches his head and asks
"Does anyone else in your family suffer with this condition"?

The concerned patient replied no,

"Do you handle any dangerous chemicals at work?" asked the doc.

"I don't work" replied the geezer

"well may i ask what you do all day?" asked the doc.











































"I sit at home watching porn and eating wotsits" came the reply :D

[jambo]

That is a cunning stunt.
:D

[Spanner Man]

I'm ducking!

[gettin2dizzy]

A “modern” Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks “We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?” says the man.
“No” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam“.
“Well, okay” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Allah ho Akber! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“Allah ho Akber! No problem” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks. “Sure” says the Mullah. “Allah ho Akber. Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Allah ho Akber!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! Allah ho Akber!”
“Can we I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may indeed. Allah ho Akber!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man. “Because that could lead to dancing“…

[krhall]

Whats the difference between light and hard?












You can sleep with a light on!!!

[gettin2dizzy]

http://www.ananova.com/images/web/1177306.jpg

[monkey]

You're gonna have to explain that one to me?

Edit:Just seen it! DOH!

[wyrdness]

You're gonna have to explain that one to me?

Look more carefully at the dress. What's it made from? :safe:

[Skip]

Mmm bet she smells nice...!

[Stingo]

3 sisters Ann, Jan & Fanny all have big feet. Ann & Jan go on a date
and one of the boys says "Jesus, you have big feet!"







Ann replies "You should see the size of our Fanny's!"

:cheers::cheers::cheers:pmsl.

[cuffy]

3 sisters Ann, Jan & Fanny all have big feet. Ann & Jan go on a date
and one of the boys says "Jesus, you have big feet!"







Ann replies "You should see the size of our Fanny's!"

:cheers::cheers::cheers:pmsl.You know you wanna post "The other one" ;)

[Blue_SV650S]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales , walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

[cuffy]

I recently purcahsed a teddy called Mohammed for £10,
I then sold it on e bay for £20.

My question is...."did i make a prophet?"

[gettin2dizzy]

I recently purcahsed a teddy called Mohammed for £10,
I then sold it on e bay for £20.

My question is...."did i make a prophet?"
:notworthy:

[hovis]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales , walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

i think you will find this works better if you insert somones name, instead of welsh bloke,as cuffy did last time this was posted

HTH

[Stingo]

You know you wanna post "The other one" ;)


I can't stop laughing long enough - everyone keeps looking at the fool in the corner that just suddenly seems to giggle to himself for no apparent reason.:D

[Pedro68]

A New Bra
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a Professor of Sports Medicine at Texas A&M

University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from
jiggling and bouncing, and prevents the nipples from pushing
through the fabric when cold weather sets in.






At a news conference, after announcing the invention,
a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked
the crap out of him.

[hovis]

To the tune of: Walkin in a winter wonderland

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

dedicated to grinch

[Ping]

http://homeunix.xs4all.nl/stuff/ad_of_the_year.jpg
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Ed]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7131532.stm

[gettin2dizzy]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7131532.stm
hehehe. 'The fire service was unavailable to comment' - for laughter?!

[monkey]

i think you will find this works better if you insert somones name, instead of welsh bloke,as cuffy did last time this was posted

HTH

Are you that Welshman Hovis?
:mrgreen:

[Mike2165]

How Adam Got Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So god asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history............!!!!

[amarko5]

if i buy a teddy bear for a tenner, then call it mohamed and sell it for a twenty , can i call that a prophet :D

[yorkie_chris]

Funny video made by Triumph


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc

"Arguements added from the female brain to allow the bike to change direction in an instant..."
"a safety procedure to allow the rider to get home if the front wheel falls off ... all tests must be carried out without spilling the riders tea"

LMAO! :smt081

[Richie]

if i buy a teddy bear for a tenner, then call it mohamed and sell it for a twenty , can i call that a prophet :D



Like it...

[cuffy]

TheValue of a Drink

:drink:


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
And dreams ..If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
Of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
Going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
Get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
Not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[hovis]

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.



The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[Ed]

...and?

[skint]

TheValue of a Drink


:drink:


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.







From experience? - You worry me sometimes Cuffy ;)

[wyrdness]

http://www.pornforgirlsbygirls.com/

[Pedrosa]

Fitness regime sucks!

I have for the past couple of months been attending a local gym in order to retain my temple like body. However I have become very dissilusioned with all of the time I have spent working out...

Treadmill

Rowing machine.

Bike machine

Problem is......

















I just don't seem to be getting anywhere!:p:p

[_drummer_]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[_drummer_]

Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Upon hearing of his friend’s illness, Pat came to visit one last time. “Shawn, can you hear me?” asked Pat.

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

“Yes, I do, Paddy,” Shawn strained.

“And you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave,” said Pat.

“Yes, Paddy, I do,” whispered Shawn.

“It’s a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin’ at, Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

[_drummer_]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[_drummer_]

A young man called ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because hey will be naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on our next date.
All my love, Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

lol

[_drummer_]

Irish Monkey dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmMSBn7gtiU)!!! :D

[gettin2dizzy]

What is Santa's favourite pizza?









One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

[DanDare]

I bought my wife a new belt and bag for Xmas..................





.................. now the hoover should work better. :rolleyes:

[Richie]

You Might Be a Member of the Taliban or Al Qaeda if...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look fat?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.

[yorkie_chris]

Lmao!

[NAPA121]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.



Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.



Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.



Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.



Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.



Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.






Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[skint]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.



Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.



Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.



Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.



Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.



Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.






Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.









So I guess the yanks blew it up? :rolleyes:

[missyburd]

bit wrong this one, got told it last night...

A very old couple sit down to breakfast in a B&B one morning.

The old woman looks over at her husband adoringly and declares, "Darling, my nipples are as hot for you as they ever were."

The old chap chuckles and replies, "Really dear? Well that's not surprising seeing as one is in your coffee and the other in your porridge!"

[wyrdness]

A very unusual way to crash a bike:
http://www.break.com/index/driver-loses-bike-on-highway.html

[cuffy]

These were actually sold in the shops before someone noticed the label and recalled the products :D

http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z41/cuffy44/untitled.jpg