View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Dave20046
11-03-09, 08:14 PM
This is a really geeky joke my mate told me this morning, that he made up, so apologise if you don't get the punchline...
[jamaican accent]
Back in the Ice Age, when times were a little chilly, two woolly mammoths were sat on a rock in Jamaica.
One says to the other, ""'Ere man, did it snow last night?"
Other one answers, "Yeah, Mastodon!"
[/jamaican accent]
(waits for "don't geddit" replies...)
I wish I was stoned :(
missyburd
11-03-09, 08:16 PM
I wish I was stoned :(
Why, would it make you understand the joke better? :p
Dave20046
11-03-09, 08:17 PM
Why, would it make you understand the joke better? :p
No cause I'd be on the floor ****ing myself. God it's like the whole big **** off orange head joke
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep".
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f***ng life, she's reversing!!"
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
Dave20046
12-03-09, 07:02 PM
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
Nice one definite rival for the four sprung duck technique
missyburd
13-03-09, 01:42 PM
Two techtonic plates bumped into each other.. One said to the other.. "Sorry mate its my fault."
:lol: You cant beat one liners.
_drummer_
13-03-09, 04:24 PM
Walking through the woods, a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing? "
"I'm listening to the music of the tree, the first man replies. "
"You gotta be kiddin' me. "
"No , would you like to give it a try? "
"Well, OK. . . " So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With that, the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, watch, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you? "
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.
While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and whispers.
"This just ain't your day. "
_drummer_
13-03-09, 04:24 PM
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.
The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
_drummer_
13-03-09, 06:20 PM
A travelling salesman in town for the week stops by a brothel for a quickie. The proprietor says, "Whadaya want, we got a $100 wh0re, a $50 wh0re and a $10 wh0re." The man figures the $100 wh0re would be the best lay and opts for her. She turns out to be okay but not the best he's had. He returns the next day and reasons that since the $100 wh0re wasn't so great that the $50 wh0re would be about the same. To his surprise she's much better, but still not the best he's had. So when he goes back the next day he hires the $10 wh0re thinking he might as well save his money since the wh0res here aren't that great. He's pumping away and realizes this $10 wh0re is the best lay he's ever had! But suddenly her mouth pops wide open and out spews white goo all over his face! He runs screaming past the front desk and out the door! The cleaning lady looks in the vacated room and yells, "Hey, Joe. The dead one's full."
_drummer_
13-03-09, 08:30 PM
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think?
A. you need more time together
B. she's a prude
C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus
xXBADGERXx
13-03-09, 08:50 PM
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think?
A. you need more time together
B. she's a prude
C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus
You forgot one .
D. She knows we are Related
_drummer_
14-03-09, 09:42 PM
bugger lol
This made me chuckle:
Lego Man Prank Call (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qZy6ARqGC4)
I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.:smt070
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die
its a good day in heaven, apparently Jade Goody is up for eviction...
__________________________________________________ _______
Jade Goody has signed another exclusive TV deal. She'll be appearing on Most Haunted next week...
meh
For Sale.
1 Blonde wig, unused mothers day present.
Apply Jack:Essex.
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b364/roastdinajima/goodycoffincam.jpg
WHAT can a honda c90 do that Jade Goodie can't?????
REACH 30......
All the guests at her funeral are being given some of her ashes in a paper bag
That way everyone gets a Goody bag
oh, I was right when I said that Jade Goody's marriage wouldn't last!
WHAT can a honda c90 do that Jade Goodie can't?????
REACH 30......
snigger
Bluewolf
25-03-09, 10:02 PM
If you have the Jade Goody 2009 calendar, could you please check and see if it's got all the months in it?
Mine only goes up to March...
What's the difference between Andrew Strauss and Jack Tweed?
Jack Tweed will be the only one with Ashes on his mantlepiece in the summer.
What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and Jack Tweed?
Jack Tweed will be the only one with Ashes on his mantlepiece in the summer.
amended for accuracy ;)
WHAT can a honda c90 do that Jade Goodie can't?????
REACH 30......
All the guests at her funeral are being given some of her ashes in a paper bag
That way everyone gets a Goody bag
oh, I was right when I said that Jade Goody's marriage wouldn't last!
Hovis you evil ba$tard! :smt043
Details of the latest Reality TV show to start this spring starring,
Natasha Richardson, Wendy Richards and Jade Goody, it will be called....
"I'm in a cemetery, get me outta here"
Matthie
26-03-09, 11:32 PM
A Muslim man dies and arrives in Heaven. He is very excited as, all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.
“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up,” and he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides. He meets another bearded man. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?''
“No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still.”
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: “Are you Mohammed?”
“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”
Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
“No, my son . . . I am God . ... but you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”
“Yes please, my Lord.”
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: “Mohammed, two coffees please.”
missyburd
27-03-09, 06:42 PM
A neutron goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
Barman pulls him a pint of his finest bitter and hands it to the neutron and says "Here you are mate, it's on the house!"
Neutron: "Eh, why?"
Barman: "For you sir? No charge!"
:lol:
husband in bed reading his book
Wife walks into bedroom and says "I'm going to give you the night of your life tonight darling, you'll remember it forever."
Husband looks at the clock and says "Don't be stupid woman , who's going to help you pack at this time of night?"
mister c
29-03-09, 12:37 PM
These were hijacked from another site, made me laugh.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Kate Moss
30-03-09, 11:19 AM
Life would be much better lived backwards. You'd start out dead and get
it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old peoples' home feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your
pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. At retirement - 18 years of age - you drive the sportscar
you can actually enjoy! You eat what you want, you party... and you get
ready to start school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then
......... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters every day... And then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my
case.
Dave20046
30-03-09, 11:24 AM
be **** if you were destined for artificial incemination though
Kate Moss
30-03-09, 11:30 AM
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
Up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his
Apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
Bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
Bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'
Milky Bar Kid
30-03-09, 12:34 PM
pmsl!
Bluewolf
30-03-09, 08:07 PM
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I’m sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It’s probably best", said the Priest, "You’ve done f*** all but moan since you got here..."
Life would be much better lived backwards. You'd start out dead and get
it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old peoples' home feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your
pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. At retirement - 18 years of age - you drive the sportscar
you can actually enjoy! You eat what you want, you party... and you get
ready to start school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then
......... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters every day... And then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my
case.
that is amazing! :shock: I F'in love it :D
xXBADGERXx
30-03-09, 09:22 PM
'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'
Heee!!!!! :smt005
http://www.i-database.co.uk/
No doubt you may all have seen this before!
as old as the innernetz itself!
yeah - i know... i just had it sent to me. Bound to be someone who hasnt seen it. :)
Dave20046
30-03-09, 09:49 PM
would be convincing if you could set the location
The Devil And The Golfer
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her Mama that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
"If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house, beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and £2,000,000 bank account."
"If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have sex with her again!"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
The Devil And The Golfer
Don't they teach devils fractions in schools these days?
Dave20046
30-03-09, 10:04 PM
Don't they teach devils fractions in schools these days?
I just guessed yanks say fourth instead of quarter
a fourth ..... "My name's Father O'Malley."
<snip> As old as the internet
....
not on form tonight :smt102 :(
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards
davepreston
31-03-09, 03:01 PM
the 3 paddies are on selection for the s.a.s
they have passed everything and are on the final test
paddy english man walks up to a room with the officer outside who hands him a pistol and says go in there and shoot your wife
paddy walks in looks at his wife runs out crying i couldnt do it
the officer tell him sorry youve failed selection rtu
paddy scotsman walks up to the door the officer gives him the gun and tells him to go in and shoot his wife
paddy goes in see's his wife playing with his kids and runs out crying im sorry i couldnt do it
the officer says sorry paddy youve failed selection rtu
paddy irish man goes to the door officer hands him the pistol and says go in and shooy your wife
paddy enters and come out half an hour later the officer says paddy what took you so long at which paddy replies sorry the gun you gave me didnt work so i had to beat the bitch to death
davepreston
31-03-09, 03:13 PM
three paddies going for a job on a building site
paddy english man walks in and the forman says just 3 questions paddy and we'll get you started, have you done the building trade before, paddy says yes, are you a religous man, paddy says yes, name me 2 saints, paddy says peter and paul, the forman gices paddy a job
paddy scots man walks in and the for man asks just 3 questions , have you done the trade before, paddy says yea, are you a religous man, paddy says yea, name me 2 saints, paddy says st christopher and st david, the forman gives him a job
paddy irishman hears both his mates got a job so speaks to them about it paddy englishman says, it easy u walk in he asks you 3 qustions have you done the job are u religous then u just name 2 saints job done
paddy goes aggh b0ll0cks ive never been to church a day in my life i couldnt name 2 saints, paddys scotishman says ,here paddy give me your shovel i'll right two on the back and you just read them off, paddy irishman thanks paddy scotsman and heads in for his interveiw
hi paddy the forman says just 3 questions and we'll get you started, have you done the trade before, paddy answers i have indeed, are you a religous man, paddy replys i am indeed, good name me 2 saints, paddy looks down and says, black and decker
Bluepete
31-03-09, 05:20 PM
Two paddies walking past a park see a sign "Tree fellers required" One says to the other
"See, if we'd brought Seamus with us, we'd have a job!"
Don't they teach devils fractions in schools these days?
I just guessed yanks say fourth instead of quarter
As old as the internet
not on form tonight :smt102 :(
http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2009-03-30.gif
Bluepete
31-03-09, 08:19 PM
Twenty complaints to travel companies (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/5005019/20-ridiculous-complaints-made-by-holidaymakers.html)
Pete
Bluewolf
31-03-09, 08:23 PM
I bought a new voice-activated MP3 player for when I'm out on the bike. If I shout "Metal!" it skips straight to Slayer, if I shout "Rock!" it plays Guns and Roses.
I was riding to work this morning when some schoolchildren ran out in front of me. I shouted "F***ING KIDS..!" and it played Michael Jackson...
xXBADGERXx
03-04-09, 06:42 PM
Har :)
Big transfer news just in, Man City have just sold Shaun Wright Philips to.......
Madonna!
DarrenSV650S
03-04-09, 08:43 PM
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.
At death's door, they see a tree in the distance.
As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree.
As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"
With his last breath, Pepe calls out,
"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush."
xXBADGERXx
04-04-09, 05:42 AM
I totally LOL`d then , good start to the day :)
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
Johnathan Ross was arrested earlier today for stealing kitchen utensils from debenhams.
In an interview today he said that it was a whisk he was willing to take.
Bluewolf
07-04-09, 08:18 PM
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy...
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy...
you need the interesting fact of the day thread...:albino:
And Jesus said unto his 12 Apostles as he was being nailed to the cross....
"Don't touch my ****ing Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday"
DarrenSV650S
09-04-09, 09:46 PM
Superglue and Flip flops
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k164/DarrenStewartTait/FlipFlops.gif
Bluewolf
10-04-09, 05:33 PM
Early reports are that during his marathon stay at London's O2 Arena, Michael Jackson will surprise his audience by revealing that he has actually learned to play a musical instrument.
Details are sketchy at the moment but there is talk of him being some kind of fiddler...
xXBADGERXx
10-04-09, 05:37 PM
Superglue and Flip flops
Laughing My Ass off at that , I love the way the Milk goes "BADOOOSH" on the floor :D
Dave20046
10-04-09, 05:49 PM
indeed, bet it caned!
the only easter joke I know...
Jesus goes into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter and says "can you put me up for the night?". Told to me by a nun!!
Specialone
12-04-09, 10:08 AM
Quick old joke.
2 aerials get married, wedding was ok but the reception was poor.:|
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Sh*t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation...............and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Quick old joke.
2 aerials get married, wedding was ok but the reception was poor.:|
I hear they're divorced now, one of them had a van aerial disease.
I thank you, i'm here all week.
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in.
whats the difference between BATMAN & SCOUSERS?
.
batman can go places without ROBBIN..
Bluewolf
20-04-09, 09:18 PM
The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called 'The Plumber'.
You stay in all day and nobody comes...
Arm and Leg found in Hertfordshire, Head found in Leicestershire.
I'm off for a wander through the fields, there might be some fanny about.
After the recent spate of body parts found in Hertfordshire, Police are still looking for an ar$ehole.....I best stay inside until it blows over.
xXBADGERXx
21-04-09, 04:27 PM
Har har ..... oh dear , should I be chuckling at this ?
Dave20046
21-04-09, 07:03 PM
them last three were ace
Bluewolf
21-04-09, 08:33 PM
Sing along Hertfordshire!
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes...
Bluepete
21-04-09, 08:47 PM
Apparently the deceased had dandruff. They found his Head and Shoulders in a bag.
Dave20046
21-04-09, 09:07 PM
Apparently the deceased had dandruff. They found his Head and Shoulders in a bag.
lol!!
You should dare a colleague to use that line if ever such a grim situation arises
Bluepete
21-04-09, 09:48 PM
lol!!
You should dare a colleague to use that line if ever such a grim situation arises
You obviously have no idea just how dark and obscene Cops can be.................
That's far too tame
Dave20046
21-04-09, 09:50 PM
You obviously have no idea just how dark and obscene Cops can be.................
That's far too tame
lol! bet you all have a larf (inbetween the life risking and scum dealing with :roll:)
Bluepete
21-04-09, 09:51 PM
There was a job, years ago in Manchester, where a bloke cut his plums off. TRUE.
The first cop on scene arrived after the paramedics who asked him to retrieve the, er, well, balls! He couldn't do it, so asked a colleague, who obliged.
In the write up on the official record, the first Cop wrote
"I was unable to retrieve the testicles, however, PC ******** did, which goes to show, he has more balls than me"
Needless to say, he was disciplined.
Dave20046
21-04-09, 09:53 PM
There was a job, years ago in Manchester, where a bloke cut his plums off. TRUE.
The first cop on scene arrived after the paramedics who asked him to retrieve the, er, well, balls! He couldn't do it, so asked a colleague, who obliged.
In the write up on the official record, the first Cop wrote
"I was unable to retrieve the testicles, however, PC ******** did, which goes to show, he has more balls than me"
Needless to say, he was disciplined.
priceless!!!
missyburd
22-04-09, 11:40 PM
By the end of this year which two banks will be left operational? the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. When these two banks merge it would be run by bloody w**k*rs
Man in a pizza restraunt, waiter asks "would you like your pizza cut into 8 slices or 6?" man replies "6 please i dont think i can manage 8"
Dave20046
24-04-09, 08:19 AM
Man in a pizza restraunt, waiter asks "would you like your pizza cut into 8 slices or 6?" man replies "6 please i dont think i can manage 8"
What's funny:confused: Nothing wrong with watching your waist line - I'd do the same :neutral:
xXBADGERXx
24-04-09, 12:45 PM
What's funny:confused: Nothing wrong with watching your waist line - I'd do the same :neutral:
It`s still the same amount of Pizza no matter how many times you cut it Dave , yes , right now you are going "Doh!!!!!"
Dave20046
24-04-09, 01:26 PM
It`s still the same amount of Pizza no matter how many times you cut it Dave , yes , right now you are going "Doh!!!!!"
I was joking lol:smt003
xXBADGERXx
24-04-09, 01:29 PM
I was joking lol:smt003
Yeah ......................................... Ok Dave :albino:
Dave20046
24-04-09, 01:30 PM
haha I knew this would happen!
:(
davepreston
24-04-09, 07:19 PM
two bikers pull up at a stop sign, a funeral procession goes past in front of them, one biker gets pulls over his bike gets off, takes his helmet off and bows his head. after the coffin has pasted he puts his kit back on and jumps back on the bike. the other rider says "christ that was decent of you" to which the biker replies " its only right i was married to her for 40 years"
DarrenSV650S
25-04-09, 11:13 AM
Magic Roundabout (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARBajLHHCHs)
Dave20046
25-04-09, 12:55 PM
Less magic roundabout (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWIxqJu9gAM)
Bluewolf
26-04-09, 06:28 PM
Johnny goes to the revival to see an evangelist. After a while the preacher asks anyone with a special need to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Johnny gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
'Son, what do you want me to pray for you?'
Johnny replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing...'
The preacher puts one finger in Johnny's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Johnny's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks him:
'Well son, how is your hearing now?'
Johnny says, 'I don't know Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday...'
http://img.timeinc.net//time/cartoons/20090424/cartoons_02.jpg
The labour Party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects their political stance.
A condom allows for inflation
Halts production
Destroys the next generation
Protects a bunch or pr1cks
And give you a sense security whilst being f****d!!!
SoulKiss
28-04-09, 03:16 PM
Button hurt in horrific F1 accident !
http://http://www.chaoscrypt.com/funnies/but.jpghttp://www.chaoscrypt.com/funnies/but.jpg
Alpinestarhero
28-04-09, 06:24 PM
Button hurt in horrific F1 accident !
http://http://www.chaoscrypt.com/funnies/but.jpghttp://www.chaoscrypt.com/funnies/but.jpg
hilterjoke!!!
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