View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Has already been sent in PM ;)
Dave20046
12-01-10, 06:59 PM
Brilliant!
xXBADGERXx
12-01-10, 07:30 PM
Q. What`s the difference between a Cricket Ball and a Ginger Minge ?
A. If you try , and I mean REALLY try , you can eat a Cricket Ball .
davepreston
13-01-10, 02:19 PM
todays britain
wyrdness
13-01-10, 02:21 PM
Q. What`s the difference between a Cricket Ball and a Ginger Minge ?
A. If you try , and I mean REALLY try , you can eat a Cricket Ball .
I don't think that I'd want to try. Right hand column, 5th down:
http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/display_class.aspx?y=1993
i know how those poor buggers in Haiti feel. After 30 aftershocks i couldnt find my house either
too early for Haiti jokes? or should we let the dust settle?
too early for Haiti jokes?
Why should Haiiti be any different.
Good one liner there keithd :thumbsup:
Well Oiled
15-01-10, 07:17 PM
I don't think that I'd want to try. Right hand column, 5th down:
http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/display_class.aspx?y=1993
Middle of the top row - "Demetrius Breedlove" now THAT is a name.
punyXpress
15-01-10, 10:06 PM
Don't worry - it's thawing:
http://f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f338740%5fABKwktkAAAeQS1DPzQDLxm77 jJs&pid=1.2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
Why should Haiiti be any different.
Good one liner there keithd :thumbsup::confused: Don't tell me you missed the 2nd joke? ;)
:confused: Don't tell me you missed the 2nd joke? ;)
Chose to ignore it. Don't want to encourage the old chap too much..... Cuffy MkII we don't need ;-)
Dave20046
16-01-10, 02:39 PM
Pete & Mary were out walking home from the pub. Mary says she's needs a pee, pops behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny pete scurries up to the bush, puts his hand through it and feels something dangling between mary's legs. He jokes, have you changed your sex? Mary says,no I've changed my mind I'm having a ****...
DarrenSV650S
16-01-10, 07:40 PM
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k164/DarrenStewartTait/man-women.jpg
BanannaMan
17-01-10, 01:17 AM
You know you are in a cheap hotel when...
you call the front desk and say," I got a leak in the sink".
And they reply, "Go ahead man, everyone else does!" :shock:
xXBADGERXx
17-01-10, 10:41 AM
Now that made me laugh
Orpheus
17-01-10, 09:18 PM
I dared my girlfriend to go to a fancy dress party as Lady Gaga, but she didn't have the balls.
BanannaMan
17-01-10, 11:48 PM
I had a fellow offer me a job the other day earning twice what I'm taking home now.
I told him, "No thanks! I've already got a job earning twice what I'm taking home now!"
Q. How much does a cockney woman pay for her shampoo?
A. Pantene
wate till the add id finished....then it will play...Please wait until the ad finishes to play this video.
http://img4.catalog.video.msn.com/Image.aspx?uuid=b8786304-eda8-463d-aeae-93adcd5c5f72&w=112&h=84 (http://forums.sv650.org/#)
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-GB&vid=b8786304-eda8-463d-aeae-93adcd5c5f72
Dave20046
21-01-10, 09:32 AM
for those that haven't heard it before:
A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling hot water please"
Barman says "heh I thought you lot just drank blood"
Vampire pulls a tampon out his pocket and says "I'm makin a brew".
for those that haven't heard it before:
A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling hot water please"
Barman says "heh I thought you lot just drank blood"
Vampire pulls a tampon out his pocket and says "I'm makin a brew".
Gross!!!!
EssexDave
21-01-10, 02:04 PM
Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms and kept their own name.
Tesco condoms, Every little helps.
Nike Condoms, Just do it.
Peugeot condoms, The ride of your life
KFC condoms, Finger licking good.
Duracell condoms, Just keep going & going & going
Pringles condoms, Once you pop you can’t stop.
Burger King condoms, Home of the whopper.
Andrex condoms, Soft, strong and very long.
Mcdonalds condoms, I’m loving it
Polo condoms, The one with the hole..Oh sh!t!
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
Noble Ox
21-01-10, 06:03 PM
for those that haven't heard it before:
A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling hot water please"
Barman says "heh I thought you lot just drank blood"
Vampire pulls a tampon out his pocket and says "I'm makin a brew".
That is THE FUNNIEST JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've sent it to everyone I know!
Girls say they dont like it, but its out of prinicple, they are crying inside!
Absolute genious!!
Dave20046
21-01-10, 06:13 PM
new someone would share my sense of humour :razz:
Noble Ox
21-01-10, 06:15 PM
Ive been laughing on and off since half ten this morning!!
for those that haven't heard it before:
A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling hot water please"
Barman says "heh I thought you lot just drank blood"
Vampire pulls a tampon out his pocket and says "I'm makin a brew".
Me likely :)
What do 9 out of 10 people like?
Gang rape. ;)
Dave20046
21-01-10, 07:55 PM
lol!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to
another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at Kingston Park.
You agree and they both get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against
you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on September 4th,
9th,
10th,
twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th.
Also on October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th,
twice yesterday
and very likely again this coming weekend!!
P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.
(shamelessly ripped, perhaps hitlerrific)
Bluepete
22-01-10, 12:10 PM
The UN yesterday wrongly reported that they had discovered a mass grave of Snowmen.
It turned out to be a field of carrots.
Pete ;)
Bluepete
22-01-10, 12:12 PM
My wife has just been diagnosed with severe hayfever and diabetes.
I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to make her feel better with flowers and chocolates...
Bluepete
22-01-10, 12:13 PM
My grandfatrher had a severe chest infection so we covered his back and chest with lard...
After that he went downhill very quickly.
Noble Ox
22-01-10, 12:53 PM
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.
One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.
Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.
Gazza77
22-01-10, 12:55 PM
My grandfatrher had a severe chest infection so we covered his back and chest with lard...
After that he went downhill very quickly.
Someone watched Mock the Week last night... :p
martianskippy
22-01-10, 03:13 PM
I think I found a way to "improve" my bike...
http://thereifixedit.com/2009/07/25/epic-kludge-photo-now-with-lumbar-support/
xXBADGERXx
23-01-10, 01:46 PM
My ChavScum noisy neighbours have just invited me next door for a water fight , I`m just boiling the kettle as I post this .
My ChavScum noisy neighbours have just invited me next door for a water fight , I`m just boiling the kettle as I post this .
i had a similar text last week!
Substitute chavscum for :-
P*ki
Skate (p*mpey fan)
muslim
iraqi
etc etc etc
;)
Thingus
26-01-10, 12:05 AM
What's the odd one out?
A crab, a trout, a lobster, a crayfish, and a scoucer?
The trout, the rest are all pinching *******s in shellsuits xD
(hope i ain't repeated that :( )
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:” I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor:" You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
Dicky Ticker
26-01-10, 04:58 PM
Little boy at school gets asked to do joined up writing by his teacher the result
"thepenisinmymouth"
DIVORCE VS... MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
whats E.T. short for?
cos hes only got little legs.
All the curry houses are doing a new curry for the Haiti quake.
It's a chicken bury auntie, nan dead & poppa gone!
Noble Ox
26-01-10, 10:03 PM
Ha. Very cruel, but even funnier!
Dicky Ticker
26-01-10, 10:33 PM
Two extremist mums are looking at photo albums
"Thats Mohamed he would 24 but he is a martyr now"
"Thats Kalid he would be 20 now"
"Thats my baby Ahmed he was only turned 18"
She wipes the tears from her eyes
Her friend looks at her wistfully and says
"Yes I know,they blow up so fast these days
Hubbies says to his wife, "Do you fancy playing a rape game tonight?"
Wife shouts at him "NO!"
"That's the spirit" he replies
LOL, cuffy, that is so worng but has made me chuckle.
punyXpress
28-01-10, 10:20 AM
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????
A drunken man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, hanging around with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
The Glasgow Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" he asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps
you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
£5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs... After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and
they went upstairs... After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one
has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are
you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh.."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and
I'm her solicitor . I was instructed to deliver your £15,000
inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your ar$ehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out on his motorbike with his mates.'
Orpheus
30-01-10, 04:05 PM
I arranged a threesome last night.
There were a couple of no-shows, but i still had a good time.
I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day & she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country?" "Why is that?" I said. "Well the kids are writing on the window & it says "stit rey su wohs"
punyXpress
31-01-10, 08:43 PM
New Official Seal For HM Government
http://f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f338485%5fABOwktkAAQriS2Wv0wGCE3Vf mFU&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 http://f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f338485%5fABOwktkAAQriS2Wv0wGCE3Vf mFU&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1
Official Announcement:
The government has today announced that it is changing its official emblem from a Union Jack to a red, white and blue condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. The condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects *****s, and most importantly from their point of view, gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
It doesn't get more accurate than that!
Dicky Ticker
01-02-10, 01:38 PM
Vanessa got a gift of a Cadbury chocolate willy from Wayne Bridges but sent it back
saying she prefered "Terry's"
Spiderman
01-02-10, 01:47 PM
The Glasgow Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" he asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps
you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
£5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs... After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and
they went upstairs... After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one
has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are
you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh.."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and
I'm her solicitor . I was instructed to deliver your £15,000
inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Brilliant!!! :lol:
squirrel_hunter
01-02-10, 11:14 PM
My boss was having problems sorting out the invoices again so called me into his office.
"You've got a degree", he says.
"Yep", said I.
"Right" he said "I need some help", and gave me the following problem. "If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?".
I considered it for a moment and replied, "Everything but my socks". I'm now looking for a new job.
Fabio Capello just phoned Wayne Bridge.
"Wayne, I've just spoken to John Terry, he's lost the Captains armband.
Have a good look under your bed could you?"
Fabio Capello just phoned Wayne Bridge.
"Wayne, I've just spoken to John Terry, he's lost the Captains armband.
Have a good look under your bed could you?"
Can you explain this one please :scratch:
Dave20046
02-02-10, 01:21 PM
something to do with aforementioned football people sleeping with eachothers birds and one of their captainesses is in the line of fire because of team morale. It was on the news for somereason the other day.
Dave20046
02-02-10, 06:08 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL2rURdERv0
Made me laugh anyway...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL2rURdERv0
Made me laugh anyway...
I don't get it.
4 mins - gave u half way through FFwd end & still didn't seem to have a punchline
John Terry says he wants a clean sheet.
Yes, good thinking John, Change the sheets before she gets home. She'll
never know.
John Terry to star in new tv prog "Other Footballers wives"
After the African cup of Nations Chelsea are looking forward to the return
of the Drog, the Bison and the Cheetah......I mean John Terry
John Terry is looking forward to the Burnley game, he likes playing away
from home.
What does Wayne Bridge have in common with the passengers on the Titanic?
They all wish they had stayed at Southampton.
Whats the difference between John Terrry and a Gephyrophobia sufferer?
John Terry doesn't have a problem coming over a Bridge
It has been revealed that John Terry and Wayne's missus' first infidelity
was in a spa bath
Apparently he did 'Bridge over bubbled water'
Asked what position John Terry takes on the alleged cheating rumours, he
strongly denied them and said the affair is over.
He's centre back.
Do you think they will let John Terry on to Celebrity Wife Swap?
Headline: John Terry plays away from home and scores!!
In other news John Terry scored the winner versus Burnley at Turf Moor.
And finally a quiz:
Was Wayne Bridge's missus helping John Terry with....
A) his tackle
B) how he shoots
C) his balls in the box
AUTOMATIC GARAGE DOOR OPENER (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C-Bxifv2Pk)
AUTOMATIC GARAGE DOOR OPENER (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C-Bxifv2Pk)
Hitler fail
Noble Ox
04-02-10, 12:02 AM
Dunno what all the fuss over John Terry is about. Any football coach will tell you; when the full-back leaves a hole, its the centre back's job to fill it.
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Looks like Gary Glitter is a reformed person. Reports on Sky news said he was dating an 83 year old..........ooops! My bad, a Haiti 3 year old!
Cuffy, you crack me up :lol:
A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!!
This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud to Be Scottish doesn't it!
AUTOMATIC GARAGE DOOR OPENER (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C-Bxifv2Pk)
Thats funny, ill see if mine works,, not used it for a wile she might need some WD 40....lol
"Hello, Duty Officer here."
"It's Sarn Harris at the Main Gate, sir."
"Yes, what's the matter, Sergeant?"
"You'd best come down right away sir, there's been a haccident."
"What's happened?"
"It's Private Jones, sir. He's shot a man dead, sir."
"WHAT! I'll come at once!"
At the Main Gate there were two soldiers standing in a pool of light from
the arc lamps and a body stretched out on the ground on the far side of the barrier.
"What's going on here, Sergeant Harris?"
"It's '4509 Jones, sir," said the Sergeant, saluting.
"He's done shot this here bloke what I can only describe as stone dead, sir."
"Jones! Explain yourself at once!"
"It's like this, sir," said Jones, saluting.
"About fifteen minutes ago I heard these footsteps coming up the main
drag, sir, and I comes out of me sentry box to see what's up, like."
"Yes, go on, Private."
"I can just make out a bloke what was standing on the edge of the lights,
sir, and I shouts out, in accordance with standing orders, sir, 'ALT OO GOES THERE?"
"What happened then, Private?"
"Sir, the bloke, who was just a shadowy figure really, says FRIEND. I
was not deceived by this sir, so I shouts back, again in accordance with
regulations sir, ADVANCE FRIEND AN' GIVE THE PASSWORD."
"Yes, yes, go on."
"The shadowy figure takes one step forward sir, and he says, all
confident like, GOLDEN DRAGON. So, like a flash sir, I lifts me rifle
and shoots him dead, sir."
"Ah, I see. Well, Sergeant, sounds to me like a straightforward case of
an attempted intrusion by person unknown, what do you think?"
"Quite right, sir," growled the Sergeant.
"Yes, well done, Jones. By the way, Sergeant, what is tonight's
password?"
"It's GOLDEN DRAGON, sir."
"JONES! You bloody fool! You've shot a man dead who gave the right
password!"
"Oh no sir, he definitely wasn't one of our blokes, sir."
"How do you know that?"
"Well sir, our blokes, when they are challenged, always shouts back F*** OFF!"
:smt066
Three Matelots & Three Pongos
Three Matelots and three Pongos are travelling by train to the Army/Navy
Rugby match at Twickenham. At the station, the three Pongos each buy a ticket and watch as the three Matelots buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
One of the Pongos. "Watch and learn shipmate," answers one of the Matelots
They all board the train. The pongos take their respective seats but all three Matelots cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
Collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Pongos see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Matelots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Matelots don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Pongo.
"Watch and learn shipmate," answers a matelot.
When they board the train the three pongos cram into a toilet and soon after the three matelots cram into another nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the matelots leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the pongos are hiding.
He knocks on the door
And says, "Ticket please."
punyXpress
09-02-10, 11:26 PM
One for Valentines Day ?
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,....'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!.......................That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f****** blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
The End
Spring is in the Air...
Dicky Ticker
10-02-10, 12:13 PM
Just driving my new Toyota Prius,can't stop,chat later
You cant beat one liners :lol:
wyrdness
10-02-10, 12:35 PM
Just driving my new Toyota Prius,can't stop,chat later
Excellent. That's just become my new facebook status. I'm wondering how many people will now really think that I've bought a Prius.
SoulKiss
10-02-10, 01:18 PM
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_BaWeTAWt3VI/S3Im0e6vTTI/AAAAAAAAM4k/RZQ2b_iLJpY/s800/toyota-recall.jpg
Toyota Prius - The last car you will ever drive...
punyXpress
11-02-10, 09:50 PM
Today's quick smile………………….!
Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbour's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message?."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
What bees do you get milk from?
...
...
...
Boobies.
Decided to go out on the bike earlier, no route in paticular, just me and the open road.
I arrived the middle of nowhere, and stumbled upon a quaint little pub so i parked up walk inside.
As i passed through the door i noticed a sign hanging above the bar.
COLD BEER : £2.00
HAMBURGER : £3.25
CHEESEBURGER : £3.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £4.00
HAND JOB : £20.00
Checking my wallet to be sure i had the necessary payment, i walked up to the bar and beckoned to the exceptionally attractive female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
We made eye contact and she glided up to the bar oozing sex appeal.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
"I was wondering young lady," as i whispered in her ear to save her any embarrasment "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into my eyes with a wide smile and purrs, "Why yes i am".
So i leaned closer and into her left ear whispered softly, "Well, wash your hands sweetheart, because I want a cheeseburger".
yorkie_chris
12-02-10, 08:07 PM
The drop in suicide bombings has been put down to Susan Boyle. Now muslims know what a virgin looks like, they're not so keen on going to paradise
wyrdness
12-02-10, 08:10 PM
The drop in suicide bombings has been put down to Susan Boyle. Now muslims know what a virgin looks like, they're not so keen on going to paradise
Wickedly funny :twisted:
I've got a valentines poem thats never failed to get me in a girls knickers ......
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got a knife
now get in the ferkin van !!!
Dunno why I laugh at that but anyway ...
I've got a valentines poem thats never failed to get me in a girls knickers ......
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got a knife
now get in the ferkin van !!!
Dunno why I laugh at that but anyway ...
Thought you batted for the home team? ;)
davepreston
13-02-10, 12:17 AM
wolfies avatar reminded me of this old one
jesus walks into to a bar
puts 3 nails on the table
and says
can you put me up for the night :)
I've got a valentines poem thats never failed to get me in a girls knickers ......
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got a knife
now get in the ferkin van !!!
Dunno why I laugh at that but anyway ...
According to someone else, it not rape if your first shout...
Surprise!!!
davepreston
13-02-10, 05:53 PM
no its not rape its surprise sex
xXBADGERXx
13-02-10, 05:58 PM
I thought my Obese girlfriend fell down the stairs the other night , until I realised I had the volume on the TV very loud and "Eastenders" was just finishing .
Paul the 6th
13-02-10, 10:41 PM
for effective ethnic cleansing, I use milosovic..
Paul the 6th
13-02-10, 10:42 PM
roses are red, violets are blue, valentines day is a load of over blown consumerist bullsh!t, haven't you got some dishes to be getting on with darling?
keith_d
13-02-10, 10:57 PM
The car in front is a Toyota. And we all know why that is, don't we!!
Paul the 6th
13-02-10, 11:13 PM
actually keith, I've got a toyota prius.... would love to stay and chat but I can't stop.
Why is it that the Avon lady can go knocking on random ladies doors & ask if they'd be interested in an invigourating refreshing facial?
Yet when i do it i get put the sex offenders register. :scratch:
Paul the 6th
14-02-10, 12:04 PM
why does madonna wear knickers? to keep her ankles warm
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Paul the 6th
14-02-10, 12:19 PM
What do you call a bear with no parents?
Rupert the b@stard :)
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third from Liverpool .
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure
the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my
crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, ......is how it all works!
BanannaMan
15-02-10, 04:46 AM
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car.
martianskippy
18-02-10, 03:01 PM
Previously unpublished photo from The Lonely Wolf's trip to the Elefantentreffen rally...
http://thatwillbuffout.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/drow.jpg
;)
Its been a while since that photo has made and appreaence :)
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