View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
I lie too, it actually says HB
Hahaha. HoL you seem a top notch guy.
Anyway, sorry to derail the joke thread.
I distorted a Tortoise earlier.
Now it's just an Oise.
andrewsmith
24-11-11, 04:13 PM
I lie too, it actually says HB
Hard B****rd?
Horrendously Bored
EDIT: I can't believe I didn't think of Hairy Balls first!
Mikey10
25-11-11, 12:18 AM
I got a call from a bloke who said he was going to end it all.
He was going to pour a gallon of petrol over himself and light a match.
I said to him "Ahmed its times like these you need all your family around you"
Went for a curry last night - I had a Chicken Tarka
It's like a Chicken Tikka but a little 'otter
xXBADGERXx
25-11-11, 04:18 PM
Hahaha. HoL you seem a top notch guy.
Anyway, sorry to derail the joke thread.
I distorted a Tortoise earlier.
Now it's just an Oise.
I liked that one
Why did the baker have smelly brown hands?
Because he needed a poo :) :)
Last month my nan passed away, it was a very sudden death.
I remember the last words she said to me . . . . . . .
"Lee, Lee what are you doing with that hammer!?!?!?!"
*poached from a Lee Mack stand up
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer earlier. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. '' I love you '' she said, then got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever ......... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
My neighbour just confronted me about items missing off of his washing line.
I almost **** his pants!
30 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash and no jobs
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Holistic Medicine
Muhammad the pakistani came over from pakistan
and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to a couple of local GPs,but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said:
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said,'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.
Gynaecological Visit
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there
were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared
out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're simply going through the change!"
_Stretchie_
27-11-11, 12:31 AM
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer earlier. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. '' I love you '' she said, then got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever ......... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
Awesome
Sent from my HTC Desire HD using Tapatalk
Shawthing
27-11-11, 02:06 PM
Gynaecological Visit
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there
were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared
out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're simply going through the change!"
We had a cat that would eat your coins, It wasn't large or pretty.
If ever you were sort of cash, there would be some in the kitty.
Bluefish
28-11-11, 10:02 PM
I know someone who's seen every episode of top gear 127 times, his name's dave.
I know someone who's seen every episode of top gear 127 times, his name's dave.
I like that one.
Paul the 6th
29-11-11, 01:50 PM
According to my sons teacher,"playing on your phone or reading a magazine whilst having a shiit" is not an acceptable answer to "what is the number one cause of pins and needles?"
I beg to differ.
Paul the 6th
29-11-11, 07:15 PM
Has anybody else seen that video of John Terry's wife on the tram yet?
metalmonkey
30-11-11, 12:47 AM
Well I just got from the pub, one of the guys was talking about how to spice things up with the Mrs he seemed a bit down...
Well one of the guys was like what you need to do it wait until she is in bed, then climb in from bottom end and get to the growler. Rub your face its so its nice and slimy and blow into you know quite hard they love it!
Anyways so tonight a week later, the guy comes back tonight to say how things are going. So he followed the plan exactly, apart from during the during the act his Mrs calls out from the bathroom. "what hell are you doing making all that noise, you going to wake my mother up"
punyXpress
30-11-11, 05:13 PM
Be careful where you have that accident:
Irish Accident
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More silence and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell dat eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
littleoldman2
30-11-11, 06:07 PM
Very good. I wish I was grown up enough not to find that funny, but I do.
BigBaddad
30-11-11, 07:26 PM
Rumour has it, Gary Speed was next in line to manage Chelsea.
hindle8907
01-12-11, 11:45 AM
Fancy a game of Hangman?
I'll go first: International Football Manager..
G_ _ _ / _ p_ _ d
-Ralph-
01-12-11, 11:48 AM
Fancy a game of Hangman?
I'll go first: International Football Manager..
G_ _ _ / _ p_ _ d
You guys are sick :lol:
When a white woman disrespects black people on a tram it makes her a racist.
When a black woman disrespects white people on a bus it makes her a hero.
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone.
I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.
I bought a new guard dog yesterday and it's useless, it lets anybody in.
F*cking UK border collie.
Posh shop for Christmas shopping
http://i1092.photobucket.com/albums/i408/mrhol101/sellfridges.jpg
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