The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[tactcom7]

Squirrel I posted that hummus one days ago!

[L3nny]

Roy Hodgson. Worst pool manager since Michael Barrymore

[keithd]

Christ. I woke up p*ssed on Boxing Day. No food in the house, just an empty pizza box with a grey sock inside it

[metalangel]

A winnar is you, keith_d

The dog ran off the other day, I looked everywhere but no luck, gave up and came home. The missus told me to look harder, so I shaved my head and got some tattoos, but I still can't find the bloody dog.

[squirrel_hunter]

Squirrel I posted that hummus one days ago!

I thought it was vaguely familiar. Please accept my most humble of apologies for an unauthorized reproduction of a previous works and I do hope the following will make someway toward repairations...



I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on the way I had cooked his steak. "Well done" is rare from a medium.

[tactcom7]

Haha no worries bud,

I was in Scotland the other day and I walked past a battered women's refuge. They'll deep fry anything up there.

[Scoobs]

My grandad said to me the other day "its going to be a nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak" i said "tell me something i dont know" he replied your nanna`s **** can take my whole fist...........

[keithd]

I went to a bulimics party the other night. It was heaving

[Bluepete]

Absolutely definately not safe for work, so no link, just how to find Frankie Boyle at his best!

Go to www.boreme.com (http://www.boreme.com) and look for the Frankie Boyle video where he takes the mick out of two lads in the audience.

Pete ;)

[andrewsmith]

Absolutely definately not safe for work, so no link, just how to find Frankie Boyle at his best!

Go to www.boreme.com (http://www.boreme.com) and look for the Frankie Boyle video where he takes the mick out of two lads in the audience.

Pete ;)

:lol:

I second the not work safe, unless ur the IT manager

[Skip]

I second the not work safe, unless ur the IT manager
Woohoo - now off to look :lol:

[andrewsmith]

and headphones

[Skip]

and headphones
Check ;)

[Ed]

Went over the doc's today, and being the wrong side of 50 I asked him:
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up the bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bath."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Specialone]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh**tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[andrewsmith]

heard it hundred of time before, still make me howl SO

[Quedos]

How many men does it take to screw in light bulb?

3, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 2 to listen to him brag about the screwing part.


Why do ballerinas wear tights ?

so they dont stick to the floor when they do the splits!!

what do you call a deer that can write with both hooves ?
bambi dextrous

What's E.T. short for..
coz his got little legs!

[Quedos]

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog. He walks around for a little while before taking his dog by the lead and swinging it aroud his head, knocking items from the shelves as he does so. Before long the manager comes up to him and asks him what he's doing. The man replies, I'm just having a quick look around



A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water and his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he's breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. He's wearing a senior manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.
Well, says the genie."You know how it works, you have three wishes.
Im not falling for this", says the man. Im not going to trust a senior manager.
What have you got to lose? Youve got no transportation and it looks like youre a goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with loads of food and drink..
**POOF**
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he's surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
OK kid, what's your second wish?
My second wish, is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams?.
**POOF**
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK kid, you've one last wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a couple of minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
**POOF**
He’s turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a senior manager offers you anything, there's always going to be a string attached!!

[Quedos]

Dear IT Support :

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS*x Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any Ideas ?

[andrewsmith]

:winner:

[BoltonSte]

Kate Middleton has asked the queen
"What is the secret of a long and happy marriage whislt being in the public eye?"

"Wear a seatbelt and don't p**s me off"

[gruntygiggles]

Kate Middleton has asked the queen
"What is the secret of a long and happy marriage whislt being in the public eye?"

"Wear a seatbelt and don't p**s me off"

Too soon??? ;-)

[gruntygiggles]

Heard about the new diet fad in Australia? It's called "swim fast"!


Too soon? ;-)

[Reeder]

Kate Middleton has asked the queen
"What is the secret of a long and happy marriage whislt being in the public eye?"

"Wear a seatbelt and don't p**s me off"


Stealing that one

[andrewsmith]

Kate Middleton has asked the queen
"What is the secret of a long and happy marriage whislt being in the public eye?"

"Wear a seatbelt and don't p**s me off"

Robbed!

[irons]

Boy walks in to class room:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: I saw a sign on the way to school.
Teacher: What did the sign say?
Boy: School ahead slow down.

[wyrdness]

There was a young pirate named Bates
Who danced a fandango on skates -
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And perfectly useless on dates!

[2hys]

I had a scare last night when I thought I saw the ghost of Michael Jackson in my bedroom.

I thought it was definitely him until he came a little closer and I realised he was actually black.

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.

[tactcom7]

I asked this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland.

He replied, "It's 20 clicks away mate."

Things must be bad if they've started speaking dolphin.

[ixlr8]

:grin:

[Harry_Mc]

I just watched a terrifying film about a couple who unwittingly buy a haunted yogurt. It's called Paranormal Activia.

Not my own material ;)

[BigBaddad]

http://forums.sv650.org/member.php?u=13665 Reeder goes to his doctor and says....."Doctor every time I make love to a woman, my eyes turn red and water" To which the doctor replys...."that'll be the pepper spray"

[Reeder]

Making love? Never heard of such nonsense. ;)

[BigBaddad]

Kate Middleton has asked the queen
"What is the secret of a long and happy marriage whislt being in the public eye?"

"Wear a seatbelt and don't p**s me off"

Kate Middleton is the first person to slip their finger into Diana's ring since that French coroner.

[andrewsmith]

http://forums.sv650.org/member.php?u=13665 Reeder goes to his doctor and says....."Doctor every time I make love to a woman, my eyes turn red and water" To which the doctor replys...."that'll be the pepper spray"

I could think of several people that could be on here :D

Reeder liking whipping boy status again?

[Bluepete]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2011/polish-arm-wrestling-p1.php


Ow! Ow! Ow!

ROFL

Pete ;)

[starsky72]

I went to the shop and said " I need a battery so I can tell the time."
The man said, "Is it for a clock?"
I said, "I don't bloody know, that's why I asked you for a battery."


I thank you, thank you, I'm here all week... try the veal!

[gruntygiggles]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2011/polish-arm-wrestling-p1.php


Ow! Ow! Ow!

ROFL

Pete ;)

Immense...lol.

"I can't see"...no wonder....your eyes are shut!

[Reeder]

Heeeee hee heeeeeeeee

[andrewsmith]

ouch.

Reeder I dare you to try that on someone

[Reeder]

Best not to. I'm only little

[xXBADGERXx]

The bloody neighbour was banging on my door at 2:30 this morning .
2:30 I tell you ......... it`s a good job I was up and playing the Drums when he knocked .

[xXBADGERXx]

Sex and Insurance Companies Comparison

Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust
Sex with a long term partner - Standard life
Sex with your secretary - Employers Liability
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with different partners - Go Compare
Sex with a ladyboy - Confused.com

[metalangel]

The bloody neighbour was banging on my door at 2:30 this morning .
2:30 I tell you ......... it`s a good job I was up and playing the Drums when he knocked .

That was on Radio 2 yesterday!

[xXBADGERXx]

That was on Radio 2 yesterday!

I`m pretty sure that practically 100% of the jokes that are on here are heard elsewhere and repeated

[Geodude]

I was out walking along the street today when a bloke attacked me with a lump of cheese and a carton of milk, i thought how f**king dairy...

[punyXpress]

Good morning to all my politically incorrect friends!

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ...
The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage
in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter – A”.
"Africans, any Africans on board?" No one answers "Ok then – B”. "Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African? Ain’t we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"
"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
Let dem Muslims go first."

[Reeder]

Good morning to all my politically incorrect friends!

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ...
The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage
in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter – A”.
"Africans, any Africans on board?" No one answers "Ok then – B”. "Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African? Ain’t we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"
"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
Let dem Muslims go first."

http://www.gifbin.com/bin/6401703g69.gif

[Viney]

Good morning to all my politically incorrect friends!

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ...
The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage
in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter – A”.
"Africans, any Africans on board?" No one answers "Ok then – B”. "Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African? Ain’t we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"
"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
Let dem Muslims go first."A new take on a very old joke, If we get complaints, then this joke will be gone.

[-Ralph-]

Having been engaged to a Sri Lankan girl and lived in an Asian community for 6 years, I think in today's world racism against whites in some ethnic communities is a damn sight worse than racism against coloured people within white communities.

[Reeder]

Lets not get into this in a joke thread!

[-Ralph-]

Lets not get into this in a joke thread!

Agreed, but it got me thinking, which is why I started this.

http://forums.sv650.org/showthread.php?t=161822

Please go there if you want to talk racism.

[tactcom7]

I`m pretty sure that practically 100% of the jokes that are on here are heard elsewhere and repeated

Yes, sikipedia by the looks of things :)

[Bluefish]

A new take on a very old joke, If we get complaints, then this joke will be gone.

You mean, it's a hitler post, bloody funny though :D

[2hys]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't mas****bate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a w*nker then!"

[christian1000]

Apparently Gary Glitter is on the lookout for a management position at Aston Villa after he heard that their strikers were Young, Bent and possibly Keane

[punyXpress]

WARNING DON'T MESS WITH EARTHLINGS !!!


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
****ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[andrewsmith]

haha

That is a peach!!!

[El Saxo]

Shamelessly nicked from Twitter:

"Not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, not Wally, Wally, not Wally, not Wally..."

- Excerpt from the 'Where's Wally?' audiobook

[Teejayexc]

I fancied a curry last night so I rang the local Chinese take away, "herro I am Wan King the cook".


That's OK says I, "I'll call back later".

[tinpants]

Apologies if posted previously...

Subject: NEWS FROM BRITAIN

Suicide Bombers to Go On Strike



Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this December, from 72 to only 54.


The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."


Speaking from his cave in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up"


Spokespersons for the Union in the North-East of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway"


Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Mr Speirs]

8439

:)

[BanannaMan]

I could never be a muslim.
I'd prefer a girl with a little experiance in the afterlife.

[tinpants]

Bill, you really do crack me up. :smt082:smt082:smt082:D:cool:

[Bluepete]

Men and Women;

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dumbo and Big John.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

[Ed]

I could never be a muslim.
I'd prefer a girl with a little experiance in the afterlife.

:lol:

The one thing I don't get about all this is, who says that the virgins are women?

[Filipe M.]

:lol:

The one thing I don't get about all this is, who says that the virgins are women?

Or even human...

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Or even human...

or young

[punyXpress]

:lol:

The one thing I don't get about all this is, who says that the virgins are women?

Mr Speirs doesn't - see above.

[BanannaMan]

The one thing I don't get about all this is, who says that the virgins are women?

Or even human...

or young




All this only serves to re-enforce my views.
Pass on a gaggle of virgins of unknown species, sex, looks, talent, etc.
I'm thinking more along the lines of 4 or 5 hot pornstar queens.

Bin Laden should give it a go.
Offering porn girls would likely cause a huge rise in Al Qaeda recruits. ;)

[davepreston]

my question is this
do the irish ira bombers get this 70 virgin lark as well
cos lets be honest a fair few have blow themselves up

i can see it now,
welcome muhamad just some introductions before we take you to your virgins

this is ali from siria, acmed from afghan, thats amir from iran and of course that beardy guy over there is gerry.

gerry! whats a beardy white guy doing here, was he a convert

no he's ira who hit the snooze button instead of set by accident

[davepreston]

plus what would the ira boy want in paradice, certainly not 70 virgins

id go for 2 woman who are deaf ,dumb and blind.- to save hastle and it means you can leave them two at it if halfway thru "on the job" ya fancy going to the pub, well they wouldnt know would they

a never ending pint of guiness and pack of fags, times 2 obviously

and a priest that didnt fiddle with them i'd expect

[keithd]

http://forums.sv650.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=8443&d=1296031254lols

[metalangel]

Happy Australia Day!

All together now...

"Why's me kangaroo drowned, sport..."

[tactcom7]

Now just so i dont get myself into trouble for sexism too, when theres a woman refereeing can we still chant the referees a wan.ker?
Or does it have to be fingerer?

[xXBADGERXx]

Now just so i dont get myself into trouble for sexism too, when theres a woman refereeing can we still chant the referees a wan.ker?
Or does it have to be fingerer?

Frapper :smt061

[BigBaddad]

I just got Fifa 2011 for my XBoX 360. It's the lastest Sky Sports version with commentary. It's very reallistic, I was playing it last night and when my wife walked in the room, Andy Gray told her to "ferk off back to the kitchen".

[andrewsmith]

:smt044

Jem

[punyXpress]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry,
sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[punyXpress]

This is the final flypast of RAF Harriers over No 10 Downing Street before they headed for the knackers yard.

You may have to tilt your head a bit or even screw your eyes up to read the message!




http://thumbp4-ird.thumb.mail.yahoo.com/tn?sid=3704678822&mid=ABCwktkAAWs8TUGrwwIBxG2XwuU&midoffset=1_592043&partid=2&f=263&fid=Inbox (http://uk.mc263.mail.yahoo.com/mc/showMessage?fid=Inbox&mid=1_592043_ABCwktkAAWs8TUGrwwIBxG2XwuU&pSize=25&sort=date&order=down&startMid=0&filterBy=&.rand=2071873578&acrumb=AMHCREaYnFC&pre=1&cind=788&enc=auto&cmd=msg.scan&pid=2&tnef=&fn=harriers.jpg)

[Bluepete]

This is the final flypast of RAF Harriers over No 10 Downing Street before they headed for the knackers yard.

You may have to tilt your head a bit or even screw your eyes up to read the message!




http://thumbp4-ird.thumb.mail.yahoo.com/tn?sid=3704678822&mid=ABCwktkAAWs8TUGrwwIBxG2XwuU&midoffset=1_592043&partid=2&f=263&fid=Inbox (http://uk.mc263.mail.yahoo.com/mc/showMessage?fid=Inbox&mid=1_592043_ABCwktkAAWs8TUGrwwIBxG2XwuU&pSize=25&sort=date&order=down&startMid=0&filterBy=&.rand=2071873578&acrumb=AMHCREaYnFC&pre=1&cind=788&enc=auto&cmd=msg.scan&pid=2&tnef=&fn=harriers.jpg)


Yeah, the message is hidden behind that big red X!

Pete ;)

[metalangel]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.

Incredibly, exactly the same thing happened at the Southwest Airlines desk at Tuscon!

Virgin doesn't fly 767s either. I don't think they ever have.

[SoulKiss]

Happy Australia Day!

All together now...

"Why's me kangaroo drowned, sport..."

Seemed a shame to not finish this off, and as its such a simple structure...

Why’s me kangaroo drowned sport,
Why’s me kangaroo drowned.
We’re in a f******g desert
So why’s me kangaroo drowned…

While checking on said simple structure I found the now "deleted" verse (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tie_Me_Kangaroo_Down,_Sport#Controversial_lyrics) thats just a little bit racist...

[metalangel]

Paddy catches his wife having an affair and decides to kill her and himself.

Pointing the gun at his head he says to her, "Stop laughing, you're next!"

[starsky72]

I just read that someone calls Admiral insurance every 6 seconds for a quote....



what a nutter

[Owenski]

Paddy catches his wife having an affair and decides to kill her and himself.

Pointing the gun at his head he says to her, "Stop laughing, you're next!"

Anyone watched the latest tom cruise cameron dyaz film knight and day? best bit of the film is a bit where they use a play on that joke.

[andrewsmith]

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/nervous-jetblue.jpg

[xXBADGERXx]

Anyone watched the latest tom cruise cameron dyaz film knight and day? best bit of the film is a bit where they use a play on that joke.


Yeah , I noticed that , the bit in the Cafe where her boyfriend is .

[Stingo]

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/nervous-jetblue.jpg

I'm sure it's very funny...but I just don't get it:(:smt102

[andrewsmith]

go tooo http://damnyouautocorrect.com an have a read.

It'll make more sense

[andrewsmith]

you is it? ;)

[DarrenSV650S]

I'd love to have a pancake attack. Maybe a syrup attack too :D

[andrewsmith]

I'd love to have a pancake attack. Maybe a syrup attack too :D

must resist a smut sprayed putdown

[DarrenSV650S]

:smt018

[BigBaddad]

BREAKING NEWS - Manchester United have just signed Andy Murray as their new striker. Manager and fellow Scot Sir Alex Ferguson has been impressed with Murray's ability to find the net.

[Reeder]

I bet about 90% of these pics on autocorrect are fake. Some are so obvious its unbelievable. Kinda makes the whole website not worth reading IMO.

[Owenski]

Yeah , I noticed that , the bit in the Cafe where her boyfriend is .

thats the one!

damnyouautocorrect has taken up many of my friday afternoons, a good chuckle especially the kid/parent mix ups.

[Owenski]

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/demotivational-posters-new-high-score.jpg

[tactcom7]

Where did my picture go??

[yorkie_chris]

I am guessing it got modded 'cos of the U rating?