View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
andrewsmith
02-09-10, 09:33 PM
yep as we were warned and told stand in the corner
hindle8907
02-09-10, 09:36 PM
yeah that was only about swearing though wasn't it ?
andrewsmith
02-09-10, 09:39 PM
RIGHT YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT, YOU THINK THAT LURKING IN HERE MEANS NONE OF US MODDLY TYPE CREATURES SEE YOUR BYPASSING OF THE SWEAR FILTER......WELL WE DO!
NOW BEFORE ME OR ONE OF THE MORE SCARY STICK CARRIERS HAS TO START GIVING OUT POINTS LET ME SAY THIS..... AND LISTEN CAREFULLY AS I SHALL ONLY SAY IT ONCE....
STOP BYPASSING THE SWEAR FILTER IN ORDER TO POST RUDE(ISH) JOKES. SOME OF THE MOST CRASS JOKES DONT EVEN HAVE SWEARS IN EM SO I'M NOT GONNA CENSOR YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR BUT I WILL GIVE POINTS FOR CONTINUOUS BYPASSING OF THE SWEARS FILTER.
ONE WARNING, THIS IT WAS IT. ANYONE WANTS TO RISK SOME POINTS THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F AND THE NUMBER 3.
a
That was the warning and its just bypassing the filters
allow the crude jokes to commence
hindle8907
02-09-10, 09:50 PM
Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your legs!"
Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?
DarrenSV650S
02-09-10, 09:53 PM
hindle has sickipedia on his iphone too ;)
It's quality. I could sit all day reading it
hindle8907
02-09-10, 09:53 PM
It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes me hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
hindle8907
02-09-10, 09:54 PM
:p you carnt help but share thank god for unlimited text messages
andrewsmith
02-09-10, 09:58 PM
for the rath of the Mods
Snow White was desperate for a ****
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She’d almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she’d just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you’d better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain’t licking that",
"Not there, that is my ****-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don’t be BASHFUL,
Unless you’re a ****ing queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling.
Cos he hadn’t had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn’t raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY *******",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his ****ing load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You’re next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY *******"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you’re so HAPPY,
With that ****ing great big *****"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You’ll have to use your tongue,
My **** can’t take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their *****,
And "cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know,
And that’s - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you’re drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
hindle8907
02-09-10, 10:03 PM
haha quality
hindle8907
02-09-10, 10:06 PM
I've just added Princess Diana as a friend on the Xbox.
I don't think she has any games for it though, because she's always on the dashboard.
andrewsmith
02-09-10, 10:19 PM
alas snow white smut
NXqEMuXGK08
Spiderman
03-09-10, 10:10 AM
RIGHT CHAPS THIS THREAD HAS COME UP IN MODS CORNER AGAIN. I KNOW THE SWEAR FILTER CATCHES THE SWEARS BUT THERE IS ALSO THE OVERTLY SEXUAL NATURE OF SOME OF THE REMARKS WHICH GOES WAY ABOVE AND BEYOND THE U RATING.
i'M NOT ONE FOR DELETING THINGS SO THE POSTS STAY, THAT WAY OTHERS WILL KNOW WHERE THE LINE IS AND WONT CROSS IT BY ACCIDENT.
BUT PLEASE CUT OUT THE OVERTLY SEXUAL REFERENCES OR YOU LEAVE ME WITH NO OPTION BUT TO HAND OUT POINTS AND FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW ME, IF I HAVE TO GIVE POINTS I GIVE A LOT OF EM IN ONE GO.
DONT TEST THE WRATH OF THE SPIDEY! :spiderman:
a
_Stretchie_
03-09-10, 10:42 AM
What do points make....
barwel1992
03-09-10, 10:43 AM
prizes :D
what do we get Spidey ?
_Stretchie_
03-09-10, 10:46 AM
BANNED, now stop being durty you lot
; )
sunshine
03-09-10, 10:57 AM
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
sunshine
03-09-10, 11:00 AM
Man has a £50 note tattoed on his ****, His wife says "Why have you done that?"
He replies "1 - I like to see my money grow.
2 - I like to play with my money
3 - I like having money in my hand
and last but not least, next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it!"
is that too much over the u-rating?
Spiderman
03-09-10, 11:01 AM
Keep testing me in this thread to discover what points make and how easy you get some.
Spiderman
03-09-10, 11:02 AM
Man has a £50 note tattoed on his ****, His wife says "Why have you done that?"
He replies "1 - I like to see my money grow.
2 - I like to play with my money
3 - I like having money in my hand
and last but not least, next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it!"
is that too much over the u-rating?
nope, to me thats fine. its inuendo for the most part and a play on words.
Describing sexual acts performed by 7 dwarves on the other hand....
_Stretchie_
03-09-10, 11:08 AM
Describing sexual acts performed by 7 dwarves on the other hand....
Is just below the belt
; )
sunshine
03-09-10, 11:09 AM
"i'm getting sick of these donation people knocking on my door! The other day a woman from the sperm bank came...
I didn't half give her a mouthful!"
"10 hikers killed in a landslide in the Himalayas.
Now be honest, you didn't expect Everest to be doing THAT today, did you?"
"I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?"
"how many animals can you fit into a pair of ladies jeans?
2 calfs,
1 beaver,
1 ass,
1 pussy,
...countless hares,
the occasional ****
and1 dead fish no one can find."
Spiderman
03-09-10, 11:15 AM
Is just below the belt
; )
you see, good comedy dont need no swears or filth. Good man you stretchie dude you :)
barwel1992
03-09-10, 11:18 AM
President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor....you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.
sunshine
03-09-10, 11:19 AM
Dont Steal....
the goverment doesnt like competition!
barwel1992
03-09-10, 11:20 AM
Q. Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pittbull?
A. Lipstick
barwel1992
03-09-10, 11:29 AM
Q. What kind of bees give milk?
A. Boo bees.
Q. What kind of bees give milk?
A. Boo bees.
I knew it was coming, but still make me chuckle :)
barwel1992
03-09-10, 11:36 AM
lol :D
What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A tea bag.
hindle8907
03-09-10, 11:37 AM
Got hit in the face the other day by a giant ladybird.
My mum warned me there was a nasty bug going about but I didn't listen ......
barwel1992
03-09-10, 11:47 AM
How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
hindle8907
03-09-10, 01:34 PM
A Catholic Priest and a Buddhist Monk were making toast, the Priest exclaimed "My God, there's an image of Jesus in the margarine!" The Monk replied "I can't believe it's not Buddah"
andrewsmith
03-09-10, 09:35 PM
nope, to me thats fine. its inuendo for the most part and a play on words.
Describing sexual acts performed by 7 dwarves on the other hand....
Guilty as charged!!!
Spiderman
03-09-10, 10:34 PM
anyway heres my contribution..... its my favourite joke.
2 fried eggs in the frying pan. One says to the other, "wow its hot as hell in here"
the other looks at him in surprise and says.....
.......
its worth waiting for, honest.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
you still here? Its coming, wait.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2nd egg says...
BLOW ME, A TALKING EGG!!!!
Come on, you know you loved it.
:smt109
andrewsmith
03-09-10, 10:37 PM
Taxi for Spidey and Me!!
DarrenSV650S
03-09-10, 10:38 PM
phail
andrewsmith
03-09-10, 10:40 PM
this will get me a slap from someone
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Spiderman
03-09-10, 10:50 PM
poor bob.
But mine is still the best joke of all time.
* Disagree and i lock the thread! <Joke> *
Specialone
03-09-10, 10:53 PM
zig, hate to say it but thats bad :(
I can do worse...
Why did monkey fall out the tree?
It was dead...
Hope this gets passed the U rating....
Superman wakes up on his birthday and thinks 'I'm gonna take the day off and go to the pub!'
So he calls at Spidermans to see if he wants to go, but Spidey says he can't go as his web slinger is broke and he needs to fix it in case of an emergency.
So he calls at Batman's house, but he says he can't go as the Batmobile has a puncture and he needs to fix it in case of an emergency.
By this stage Superman is getting fed up, so he calls at Supergirl's as a last resort on the way to the pub. He knocks the door but there's no answer, which he thinks is strange as if there was an emergency he would have heard it. With his super hearing he hears Supergirl moaning and groaning in a bedroom upstairs, so he flies up to the window and looks in. To his surprise Supergirl is spread-eagled on the bed apparently pleasuring herself! Sod it thinks Superman, it's my birthday, so with supersonic speed he breaks in, gives her one and goes to the pub by himself.
Supergirl sits up on the bed and says 'What the hell was that?'
....
....
The invisible man says 'I don't know, but my a**e is killing me!'
Spiderman
03-09-10, 11:06 PM
hahahahaha thats a close one to call but i like it so i'm leaving it unless anyone has any complaints.
Specialone
03-09-10, 11:15 PM
Yeah im complaining, its too funny for this thread :)
Ill also struggle to remember that to tell my mates :(
sunshine
03-09-10, 11:16 PM
A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."
DarrenSV650S
03-09-10, 11:26 PM
I was facing a sexy blonde in a club last night.
Sorry, wrong way round
I was clubbing a sexy blonde in the face last night....
Stupid Frodo. He traipsed all over Middle earth with that bloody ring.
Didn't he realise Cash4Gold send you a prepaid envelope?!
What's the commonest Owl in the UK?
The Teat Owl
:D
BernardBikerchick
04-09-10, 11:02 AM
andrewsmith you make me larf so much !!!! you naughty boy you !!! wwwaayyyaaaiii pet !!!
ok - my joke for the day is fantastic !!!!
Q: Where's Spiderman's home page?
A: On the world wide web.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
What's the commonest Owl in the UK?
The Teat Owl
:D
Which owl is red and smells of fish?
Sanitary owl.
BernardBikerchick
04-09-10, 11:32 AM
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
pmsl:D:D:D
Spiderman
04-09-10, 11:35 AM
Hahahahahaha, thats absolute quality BBC!!!!
My wife insists men can't muti-task.
Imagine her surprise when i proved her wrong by knocking one out whilst looking at her sisters holiday pictures.
I really feel sorry for the McCanns'
Maddie being the Stig was their last hope.
Just done my bit for the Pakistan flood appeal.
Feck me! Have ever tried wrapping up a mop and sticking a 2nd class stamp on it?
BernardBikerchick
04-09-10, 12:15 PM
lol
BernardBikerchick
04-09-10, 12:18 PM
don't know if this will work but if it does fantastic !!!
BernardBikerchick
04-09-10, 12:19 PM
bnugger didn't work grrrrrrrrrr
A priest and a nun were returning from the church convention when their car broke down. They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only 1 motel in town and it only had 1 room available. So they had a problem.
'Sister ,' said the priest, 'I dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this 1 room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed,'
'I think that would be ok,' said the nun.
They prepared 4 bed and each 1 took their agreed place. 10 minutes later the sister said, 'Father, I'm terribly cold,'
'Ok,' said the priest, 'I'll get up n get you a blanket from the closet,'
10 minutes later the nun said, 'Father I'm still terribly cold,'
'OK sister,' said the priest, ' I'll get up n get you another blanket,'
10 minutes later , the nun said,'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,'
' You're probably right,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own damn blanket,'
andrewsmith
04-09-10, 01:33 PM
andrewsmith you make me larf so much !!!! you naughty boy you !!! wwwaayyyaaaiii pet !!!
ok - my joke for the day is fantastic !!!!
Q: Where's Spiderman's home page?
A: On the world wide web.
hahaha
Snow White is the limit of un good taste. I'm was a good boy until I discovered girls and beer :p
I thought Spiedey homepage was on the org??
hindle8907
04-09-10, 09:15 PM
andrewsmith you make me larf so much !!!! you naughty boy you !!! wwwaayyyaaaiii pet !!!
ok - my joke for the day is fantastic !!!!
Q: Where's Spiderman's home page?
A: On the world wide web.
i was going to post that the other day lol ...
thinone
05-09-10, 02:42 AM
where do you find the Dutch?
where do you find the Dutch?
Holland?
Don't think you quite have the idea of this joke malarky, punchline usually helps ;)
thinone
05-09-10, 11:20 AM
Holland?
Don't think you quite have the idea of this joke malarky, punchline usually helps ;) LOL - I am rolling about - it is so funny .... i had to wait for someone to point that out
xXBADGERXx
05-09-10, 11:38 AM
http://www.photochopz.com/gallery/data/500/tumbleweed.jpg
Holland?
Don't think you quite have the idea of this joke malarky, punchline usually helps ;)
Give the person their due
I mean look at their location, poor bugger
sunshine
05-09-10, 12:44 PM
The hooker who bedded Wayne Rooney claims "Wayne tried to talk filthy to me but wasn't quite up to it"
Well you should have dressed up as a referee then you tart.
Dog food is expensive these days, £1 a tin in Tesco.
That's £7 in dog money.
Q.What's the difference between a blind marksman and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots, but cant hit. The other hoots, but cant s**t!!
DarrenSV650S
05-09-10, 09:19 PM
Q.What's the difference between a blind marksman and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots, but cant hit. The other hoots, but cant s**t!!
:smt081
andrewsmith
05-09-10, 09:21 PM
Q.What's the difference between a blind marksman and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots, but cant hit. The other hoots, but cant s**t!!
haha
sunshine
06-09-10, 02:09 PM
I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell it to Dettol.
hindle8907
06-09-10, 02:37 PM
^^ just sent that one tp me dad off the sikapeida
hindle8907
06-09-10, 02:38 PM
Wouldn't it be brilliant if when Bill Gates died, the windows shutdown sound played?---------------------------I don't know about Bill Gates but Stephen Hawkins will.
hindle8907
06-09-10, 02:43 PM
I couldn't be happier since I bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I spend my weekends driving around villages with the stereo on full blast, watching the confusion and disappointment on all the little boys and girls faces.
davepreston
06-09-10, 03:13 PM
i wrongly had steven hawkings arrested for making obscene phone calls to me
it ok now i found out it was my wife using the bt text message service
those disgraced Pakistani cricketers are going to be in some deep water when they get sent home
BigBaddad
06-09-10, 08:56 PM
I may have Alzheimer'..........but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
DarrenSV650S
06-09-10, 09:01 PM
I may have Alzheimer'..........but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
I laughed more at your location :p
wyrdness
07-09-10, 12:24 PM
GAU0v1ZP0GM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAU0v1ZP0GM
What an uber-cute babe, too.
On the way home from the pub last night i saw an elderly lady being mugged, beaten and raped.
Being the person that i am i decided to jump in and help.
I got £1.46, half a pack of Werthers originals and 2 smelly fingers.
BigBaddad
08-09-10, 09:46 AM
i like it
I remember during the world cup, shouting at the TV.
"Rooney you fat ****! You couldn't score in a brothel"
Just goes to show i know feck all about football!
BigBaddad
08-09-10, 10:11 AM
A young woman goes in for a genital piercing. She say's the the guy "will it hurt" "yes" is his reply......."would you like me to numb it first". "Yes please" she replies. At which point the guy stuffs his face between her legs...."num, num, num, num, num"
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.
"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.
"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."
I used to think my dreams were crazy.
Then I heard Martin Luther King's.
gruntygiggles
09-09-10, 10:45 AM
It's bin day today....I can't remember what colour bag cats have to go in????
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicblehbleh1.png
sunshine
09-09-10, 05:29 PM
At age 4 success is not ****ing yourself.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
...At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not ****ing yourself.
sunshine
09-09-10, 05:29 PM
I said to the train station clerk, "Can I have a return ticket please."
He said, "Where to?"
I replied, "Back here, you thick ****."
andrewsmith
09-09-10, 05:33 PM
At age 4 success is not ****ing yourself.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
...At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not ****ing yourself.
Hahaha
quality. im too tempted add things into this
sunshine
09-09-10, 08:20 PM
I was busy having sex with the wife when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I hate ****ing in the bath.
andrewsmith
09-09-10, 09:13 PM
B.M.I.S
Ballistic Missiles Improve Sunderland
That is all
B.M.I.S
Ballistic Missels Improve Sunderland
That is all
Missels?:scratch:
andrewsmith
09-09-10, 09:25 PM
*missiles
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicblehbleh1.png
Hahahahahahaha! Best Cyanide and Happiness I've seen yet!
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/comics/dave/comicblehbleh1.png
stop it!!!!!!
Essex of Essex
10-09-10, 09:01 PM
Did you know that in 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
andrewsmith
10-09-10, 09:02 PM
did you know that in 1872 the welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the english somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
10-09-10, 09:05 PM
Did you know that in 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
you love it really
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