The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here [Archive] - Page 17?login=1 - SV650.org

DarrenSV650S

16-11-08, 11:07 PM

You Don’t Know Jack Schitt

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,`You don’t know Jack Schitt`. After this, you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of Knee- deep Schitt, Inc. in turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins : Deep Schitt and Dip schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt - Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda schitt and they produced a cowardly son , Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a Schitt- Happens double wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them !!

missyburd

16-11-08, 11:09 PM

LOL! I'd have a reyt job remembering all that though :p

_drummer_

17-11-08, 11:04 AM

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go
ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

:)

_drummer_

17-11-08, 11:04 AM

If you receive an email entitled
'Bedtimes', delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the 'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

_drummer_

17-11-08, 11:05 AM

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask
the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive
me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,.........
I'm in room 1221."

_drummer_

17-11-08, 11:16 AM

>Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
>with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
>
>"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're
>wearing them baggy old
>swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
>They're years outta
>style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of
>Spandex Speedos - about
>two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato
>down inside 'em. I'm tellin
>ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
>
>The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his
>spanking new tight
>Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than
>before. Everybody
>on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
>their faces, turning
>away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the
>lifeguard again and
>asks him, "What's wrong now?"
>
>"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in
>front!"

_drummer_

17-11-08, 11:24 AM

Two Suppositories

A man with a bad stomachache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do about it. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting two suppositories deep up the back passage. The man agrees, so the doctor warns him about the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time, using rubber gloves and a lubricant.

So the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other, shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders."

_drummer_

17-11-08, 11:45 AM

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy (http://club.cdfreaks.com/#). The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

Dappa D

18-11-08, 02:05 PM

how do you track will smith?

you follow the fresh prints....

hmmm ill get my coat...

keithd

19-11-08, 11:07 AM

prob old and a repost but meh....

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a f*ck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would master**** at a wedding.

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of pi5s.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous b@stard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshi*ting and you're a cheap b@stard. Virgo men are usually gay and the majority of Virgo women are wh*res

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an a5shole. For your entire life people will make a complete pr*ck out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred c*nt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a pr*ck.

yorkie_chris

19-11-08, 02:26 PM

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous b@stard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

F##k off, no truth in that, they don't even know me. Leave me alone. :-P

_Stretchie_

19-11-08, 02:35 PM

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of pi5s.

WOW, it's just SOOOOO true :smt003

gruntygiggles

19-11-08, 02:42 PM

WOW, it's just SOOOOO true :smt003
Thank god I'm not a Taurus!

Stu

19-11-08, 04:17 PM

I've never had any time for astrology

Until now! That's stunningly perceptive :D Don't forget people, my birthday's coming up soon :D

Dappa D

19-11-08, 10:28 PM

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking machine!, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

.

:p....acurate....ive been prescribed olanzipine in the past....

Jdubya

20-11-08, 08:25 AM

A wealthy but rapidly aging lady had tried every kind of plastic surgery technique to remain as young looking as possible but latelty things weren't having the disired effect any more.

She went to see a specialist in London who advised her that standard procedures would have little effect due to her already extensive surgery but there was one 'new' procedure she hadn't yet tried.

"The Screw" was a crued but effective way of maintaining that "youthfull look", a small knob (that's not the joke) was to be fixed to the top of her head hidden under a hair-piece. Once a month, or whenever she felt the need to "tighten up" she was to give the knob a quarter turn and the skin would be stretched slightly.

The lady had the "Screw" fitted right away and left the specialist with a skip and a smile..

"Don't overdo it" the specialist warned.

It was only 3 months later that the lady returned to the specialist with some problems...
"I did what you said, I gave the screw a turn every time I felt a little loose, it's just that recently things haven't been going so well and I just can't get rid of these bags under my eyes!!"

The specialist took a quick glance and said
"They're not bags, they're your tits!!!"

"I'll not bother asking about the goatee then!!!" replied the woman.

Mr Speirs

20-11-08, 01:02 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful (http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/british-hospitality#) garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Sosha

20-11-08, 02:41 PM

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

:rolleyes:

Kate Moss

21-11-08, 04:24 PM

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint. . .

http://bl131w.blu131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.172.135/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dd1f4f654-315f-4fec-957e-7bcdf124ac1a.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUNjU2MTQuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a1.2473455675%2540web8 7016.mail.ird.yahoo.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.4.8.8&d=d724&mf=0&a=01_718aeeb26ba9a8b054ccbbf30d76c3c46cee3b166881a 296ff8070a20efdff55

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

http://bl131w.blu131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.172.135/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dd58786ae-e1b6-4d45-8398-f22bd471eb3f.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUNjU2MTUuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a2.2473455676%2540web8 7016.mail.ird.yahoo.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.4.8.8&d=d724&mf=0&a=01_718aeeb26ba9a8b054ccbbf30d76c3c46cee3b166881a 296ff8070a20efdff55

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'

and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

http://bl131w.blu131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.172.135/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3de1a1f84e-c519-4a8e-8bb0-19fe190bd6e0.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUNjU2MTYuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a3.2473455677%2540web8 7016.mail.ird.yahoo.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.4.8.8&d=d724&mf=0&a=01_718aeeb26ba9a8b054ccbbf30d76c3c46cee3b166881a 296ff8070a20efdff55

So the koala looked down at him and said,

http://bl131w.blu131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.172.135/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d48fcfec2-e649-4c5a-aca1-17ca7bcedf6c.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUNjU2MTcuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a4.2473455677%2540web8 7016.mail.ird.yahoo.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.4.8.8&d=d724&mf=0&a=01_718aeeb26ba9a8b054ccbbf30d76c3c46cee3b166881a 296ff8070a20efdff55

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....

How much water did you drink?!!

RichT

25-11-08, 12:26 PM

Cheltenham races….

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and
learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding
their w***ies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,
the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15; but
please carry on'

stevie

25-11-08, 05:44 PM

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement enter were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' :flower:

Jayneflakes

25-11-08, 10:58 PM

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15; but
please carry on'

This did make I chuckle like an escaped loonie...

I iz sad!

missyburd

25-11-08, 11:15 PM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

DarrenSV650S

26-11-08, 09:31 PM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your uck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '£150!', she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150..

stevie

27-11-08, 05:36 PM

:cheers: I liked that one :smt046

Wideboy

28-11-08, 10:03 PM

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck.

wyrdness

30-11-08, 05:26 PM

A slightly naughty one that Mrs Wyrdness and I thought up today:

Why do dicks have bell-ends?

So that you can hear them coming.

missyburd

30-11-08, 05:34 PM

lol, makes for interesting conversation I bet :p

hovis

02-12-08, 11:11 PM

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Gordon Brown's?" asked the man.

"Gordo's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

stevie

03-12-08, 12:58 PM

keithd

03-12-08, 03:57 PM

male or female...

FREEZER BAGS: They are male because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushedbut can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:Female because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it wouldbe male but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

hang man

04-12-08, 02:20 AM

Where do pets come from? A new Genesis story.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog'."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a s*** one way or the other.

keithd

04-12-08, 02:32 PM

I was in the pub with my brother yesterday, waiting for his friend Steve. I was a little nervous, because Steve has been trapped in a house fire and was horrifcally burned, so i wasn't sure how to act around him. "Don't worry!" my brother said, "Just treat him like any other person". Just then, Steven had walked into the pub, seen us and came over. "Steve!" my brother said, "we were just talking about you; were your ears burning again?"

Kate Moss

04-12-08, 03:54 PM

Read this,

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

missyburd

04-12-08, 09:10 PM

haha nice one Kate

yorkie_chris

05-12-08, 11:23 AM

haha nice one Kate

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Hehe can tell where you read to :-P

missyburd

05-12-08, 11:30 AM

No I thought the whole thing was funny, I do have a sense of humour that knows :p

davepreston

07-12-08, 08:54 PM

a man goes into a shop to get a christmas present he decides on a barbie doll, loking at them he notices the prices. surf barbie £20, party barbie £25 divorce barbie £259.99. the man asks the girl behind the counter how come divorce barbie is that much. the assistant rolls her eyes and says " sir divorce barbie comes with kens house kens car kens yatch one of kens mates and kens balls on a keyring

Jayneflakes

07-12-08, 11:42 PM

Stingo

08-12-08, 05:00 PM

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

:cheers:

missyburd

08-12-08, 06:55 PM

LOL like that one :-D

Lozzo

10-12-08, 04:28 PM

I was having trouble with my computer and, despite my best efforts, I
couldn't find the problem :-(

In the end I called on Richard, the 11 year old lad who lives next
door to us and whose bedroom looks very much like Mission Control,
Houston (during an Apollo launch), and I asked him whether he would
come over and have a look at my computer for me.

He came, looked, clicked a couple of buttons and then, whey-hey!,
instantly solved the problem and I was up and running again.

Well, I obviously thanked him, slipped a couple of quid into his hand
and then, just as he was walking away, I called him back and asked him
exactly what the problem was and (he had been far too fast with the
keyboard for me to see what he was doing) how he had cured it so
quickly.

Rich grinned and told me that it was a *one D ten T* error.

Not wanting to appear totally stupid, but being very inquisitive
nevertheless, I still wanted a more precise description of the *fault*
he had found so quickly - and then instantly cured.

'OK,' I said (at this point I was still trying to appear totally
knowledgeable of *most* things - apart, that is, from this silly
little - but frustrating - glitch), a 'one D ten T error' ... I paused
for a moment and then , rather less confidently now, followed it up
with: 'Well, what's that then?'

For the first time he looked up and grinned at me, 'Haven't you ever
heard of an 'one D ten T error' before?'

No,' I replied, rather slowly, 'I really don't remember that one at all.'

'Write it down.' he said, vaguely impishly, 'And use capital letters -
I think even you will eventually figure it out.'

So I did just that, I wrote down......

<1 D 1 0 T>

And to think that, once upon a time, I even used to like the little ***t.

stevie

10-12-08, 06:32 PM

LOL Hahaha nice one.

wyrdness

10-12-08, 10:25 PM

   A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:  

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.  
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.  

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.  Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.  

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' 

 And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

wyrdness

10-12-08, 10:26 PM

<1 D 1 0 T>

We call them PEBCAKs.

Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.

missyburd

11-12-08, 02:59 AM

What does Snoop Dogg wash his underwear with?

Bleeeee-atch (said like biaaaatch)

Yeah ok, it's cr@p, someone told me it this eve :-D

Davido

11-12-08, 05:08 PM

^ I love that one.

Oh how the wiggas at college are gonna love me on monday.

keithd

12-12-08, 01:24 PM

what time does Andy Murray go to bed?

tennish

keithd

12-12-08, 01:29 PM

four fonts walk into a bar. barman says "get out, we dont want your type in here....."

DarrenSV650S

13-12-08, 12:41 AM

shudnt make me laugh but it does :lol:

_drummer_

14-12-08, 12:25 AM

The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

missyburd

14-12-08, 01:04 PM

Lol! That's excellent :-D

hovis

15-12-08, 05:31 PM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying At the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.? Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs.? It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.

He says, "Just hold its little nose."

Richie

18-12-08, 11:49 PM

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Jabba

19-12-08, 09:21 AM

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to Fedex. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"

keithd

19-12-08, 10:33 AM

40 gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying: "I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?"

God says: "We are over quota on pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just a dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again: "They've gone." he tells God.

"What?" says God: "All 40 of them?"

"No - the gates."

Viney

19-12-08, 03:44 PM

four fonts walk into a bar. barman says "get out, we dont want your type in here....."
ahhh, a print and design joke!

SoulKiss

19-12-08, 04:43 PM

The Chavnivity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.
But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

DarrenSV650S

19-12-08, 05:34 PM

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter..............

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

hovis

21-12-08, 11:07 PM

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7LKJXvf_do&feature=related

Kate Moss

23-12-08, 02:48 PM

when is a fairy not a fairy....

when she has her mouth round a pixies knob - then she is a goblin!

Viney

24-12-08, 10:16 AM

Hmm, not exactly U rated

Jayneflakes

24-12-08, 10:43 AM

A little girl sees a small winged person sat on the pavement outside her house. The little creature has its head between its knees and it is producing the strangest groaning sound she has ever heard.

"Are you a Goblin?" asks the innocent little child.

"No", says the creature, "I have a head ache!"

_drummer_

24-12-08, 05:23 PM

> Dear Friends
>
>
> Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails
> you have forwarded to me over the last year.
>
> I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t
> in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with
> every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can and bottle I open for the
> same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl
> (Penny Brown) who is just about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th
> time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
> Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special
> Email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to
> Split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative
> of a customer who died intestate.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> out for me.
>
> I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails
> to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
> car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
> up.
>
> I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with
> a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> number and then I'll get a £3000 phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
> Uganda, Singapore, Mars and Uzbekistan .
>
> I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
> spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
> bites my bum.
>
> I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because
> it probably was placed there by a pervert waiting underneath my car to
> grab my leg.
>
> If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 4
> minutes, a large albatross with diarrhoea will sit on your head at
> 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 17 Bactrian camels will infest your back,
> causing you to grow a big hairy hump.
>
> I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
> neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians
> daughter.
>
> By the way.....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
> discovered that ugly people with low IQ who don't have enough sex,
> always read their emails while holding the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
>
> Regards,
> Your friend

Gene genie

27-12-08, 11:24 AM

butcher- ''i've just had to sack my apprentice for putting his d**k in the bacon slicer''
customer- ''dirty boy, what have you done with the bacon slicer?''
butcher- ''i've sacked her aswell !!''
a little naughty and very old but still it makes me laugh.

Kilted Ginger

06-01-09, 06:23 PM

While I was driving down the A1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been

I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, lying in wait. The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronizing smirk,
asked:
'Runway too short'?
To which I replied. 'I'm late for work'
To which he asked, 'What do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.
'A what?'
'rectum stretcher'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said 'I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet'

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. 'And just what do you do with a six-foot Rectum?'

To which I politely replied,
'You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge...'
Speeding ticket: £60
Endorsement 3 points
Look on copper's face: Priceless....

Kilted Ginger

06-01-09, 06:24 PM

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look
at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

tinpants

06-01-09, 07:15 PM

Grant66

09-01-09, 11:34 AM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,
Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and
you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the
weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

hovis

09-01-09, 04:58 PM

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc

missyburd

11-01-09, 01:26 PM

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her telephone bills?

Burn-a-debt!

keithd

16-01-09, 05:11 PM

I went into the chemists and said to the pharmacist, "Excuse me mate, I'm after some condoms."

"Just a minute", he replied.

i said, "Yes, that's my brand".

Kate Moss

19-01-09, 10:20 AM

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

http://forums.sv650.org/cid:2.3085651632@web28605.mail.ukl.yahoo.com

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married..'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ****ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

DarrenSV650S

19-01-09, 01:25 PM

:lol:

Viney

21-01-09, 08:40 AM

I went into the chemists and said to the pharmacist, "Excuse me mate, I'm after some condoms."

"Just a minute", he replied.

i said, "Yes, that's my brand".Thats no Joke, thats a true story ;)

keithd

21-01-09, 11:05 AM

Thats no Joke, thats a true story ;)

is this not the mega tread then?:confused:

Kate Moss

21-01-09, 11:08 AM

The happy couple

http://bl131w.blu131.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=901a678a-23e1-497e-bb28-0c7a5d4b8aa0&Aux=44|0|8CB44A07ECFF260|

hovis

21-01-09, 11:37 AM

The happy couple

http://bl131w.blu131.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=901a678a-23e1-497e-bb28-0c7a5d4b8aa0&Aux=44|0|8CB44A07ECFF260|
:confused:

Jabba

22-01-09, 09:45 AM

Philosophical message:

Socrates:~ Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day, an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?' 'Wait a moment,'
Socrates replied, 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test' 'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.
'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?' 'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.' 'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?' 'No, on the contrary ....'. 'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'. The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.'

You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?' 'No, not really...' 'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?' The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sh+gging his missus.

xXBADGERXx

22-01-09, 05:43 PM

Lmao

_drummer_

22-01-09, 07:48 PM

50 Year Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

" Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over fifty years ago ?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned

against the back fence and I made love to you."

" Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

" OK," he says, " How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's sake? "

" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a
crazy, but good idea ! "

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself,

he thinks, " I've got to see these two old-timers having

sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on
each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make

their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that

the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making

loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself,

" This is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

" Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this ? "

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

" Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence"

Bibio

25-01-09, 04:22 AM

thanks for the giggle drummer... that cheered me right up.... :-))

Thingus

25-01-09, 01:43 PM

Billy Connolly:

"If there was a competition for the biggest **** in the world, you'd come second."

"Why not first?" the other guy said.

"Cus you're a ****."

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmEKeh1G8lg )

:p

yorkie_chris

25-01-09, 09:04 PM

Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Muggin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.

xXBADGERXx

26-01-09, 01:01 AM

Mwah , Mwah , Mwah , Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaah <--------- sound of Trumpet with a cover over the end :)

keithd

26-01-09, 09:57 AM

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'you went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?

sv-robo

26-01-09, 04:22 PM

Obama the 1st black president...
Lewis Hamilton the 1st black f1 world champion...
Will Smith the worlds highest paid actor....

How times change,it's a real good time to be black....

Poor old Micheal Jackson must be f***ing kicking himself.

sv-robo

26-01-09, 04:26 PM

Bought myself a new deoderant stick today
Instructions say,take off top & push up bottom

I'm still in casualy at the mo,but my farts smell lovely!!!

Thingus

26-01-09, 07:50 PM

ALZHEIMERS OR PARKINSONS?
Which one would you rather have?

Parkinsons of course! Better to spill half your vodka than forget where the **** you put it!

keithd

27-01-09, 05:32 PM

HEALTH Q&A - Prob been posted before...

Q: I'VE HEARD THAT CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE CAN PROLONG LIFE - IS THIS TRUE?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: SHOULD I CUT DOWN ON MEAT AND EAT MORE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: SHOULD I REDUCE MY ALCOHOL INTAKE?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: HOW CAN I CALCULATE MY BODY/FAT RATIO?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ADVANTAGES OF PARTICIPATING IN A REGULAR EXERCISE PROGRAM?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... good!

Q: AREN'T FRIED FOODS BAD FOR YOU?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: WILL SIT-UPS HELP PREVENT ME FROM GETTING A LITTLE SOFT AROUND THE MIDDLE?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: IS CHOCOLATE BAD FOR ME?
A: ARE YOU CRAZY? HELLO COCOA BEANS! ANOTHER VEGETABLE!!! IT'S THE BEST feel-good food around!

Q: IS SWIMMING GOOD FOR YOUR FIGURE?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: IS GETTING IN-SHAPE IMPORTANT FOR MY LIFESTYLE?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

gruntygiggles

28-01-09, 09:08 AM

Magnum

28-01-09, 12:53 PM

A policeman pulls over a driver for speeding. He walks up to the drivers window.
Cop "do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver "no"
Cop "do you have anything you have in the car that you shouldn't have?"
Driver "yeah i've got a couple of dead bodies in the boot, 10 grands worth of cocaine and a load of guns"
Cop "wait there. don't move"

The cop calls for backup, and after a few minutes a senior officer arrives and approaches the drivers window.

Officer "my colleage has informed me that you have dead bodies, drugs and guns in your vehicle"
Driver "yeah i bet the lying bastarrd told you i was speeding too"

:mrgreen:

sv-robo

28-01-09, 05:39 PM

A man goes to the doctors for a co*k extension.
Doc suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000.
Man agrees.
6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his co*k flys out,steals an apple off the table & goes back.
"Wow"she says "can u do that again"?
He replies"my co*k can but i don't think my ar$e can take another apple".

missyburd

28-01-09, 06:36 PM

lol!!!

Mr Speirs

28-01-09, 11:15 PM

Man goes to the doctors complaining that his willy has holes in it and that when he pees it goes everywhere.
Doctors asks him to drop his trousers and sure enough the fellas willy has plenty of holes in it.
The doctor hands the fella a card and tells him to give the number a ring.
The patient says 'ah is this fella a specialist in this feild?'
The doctors replies 'No, but hes a fantastic flute player, he'll teach you how to hold it'

Viney

29-01-09, 12:24 PM

A man goes to the doctors. He goes into his room and stands there and before he sits down he asks a question. ‘Excuse me doc, but have you ever laughed at a patient or at their complaint? ‘No replies the doctor, I can assure you I have never in the 30 years I have been in practice, now what seems to be the problem?’ The guy drops his trousers and pants and stands there in front of the doctor. The doctor looked down and there it was, the smallest penis the doctor has ever seen, it was about the size of a AAA battery. He was totally shocked by the size of it and really wanted to laugh, but was professional enough to hold it back. ‘You sure you have never laughed’ asked the patient ‘Yes i’m sure’ replied the Doc, ‘What’s the problem?’ ‘Its swollen replied the Patient’

Essex of Essex

29-01-09, 09:01 PM

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another few minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Five minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just
realised I was playing you the B side."

missyburd

30-01-09, 01:46 PM

#groan# :-)

vixis

30-01-09, 09:42 PM